Driving Home For Christmas
by Jaansche
Summary: The Christmas Advent Story AKA One is driving and one is home... AKA I don't wanna spoil too much, as I'll be updating EVERY day. So you'll soon know what's going on anyway. Give it a try. I promise it ends in CLEXA. As if I write anything else.
1. One

Welcome to my advent gift for my precious readers. I've been thinking long and hard how to say thank you to all of you for your reviews and kudos and overall interest in my creations, so I came up with this little fic. As stated already, I'll update each day sometime in the evening (CET) so if you live in Asia or Australia I apologise for uploading too late. #timedifferences suck  
One more thing: I wrote this story in one go and went back over to break it down into chapters. Therefore, you'll find them to be of various lengths. Some are short, some are very short and some are longer. None is as long as my usual chapters. ;-)

This story will be co-published on AO3 and has been proofread and improved by my talented and gorgeous fiancé. Kudos to her for making me not sound stupid. ;-) Love you babe.

* * *

Lexa loved her truck. It was a Volvo VNX 630 in midnight blue, her pride and joy. She was an independent contract driver, who worked for all sorts of businesses, ranging from courier and transportation companies to moving firms and production plants. Whatever she could get, she delivered.

Her customer circle grew daily due to satisfied clients and recommendations and Lexa enjoyed her gypsy lifestyle to the fullest. She was happy, free like a bird, just the road and her baby, humming reassuringly and droning reliably.

She used to be a creature of habit, someone who'd needed a plan for the next months, better yet years, but she'd cancelled all her contracts and had purchased the truck in a snap; a snap of her heart which had been broken one too many times. She'd needed to leave, to get far away from her painful, confining and suffocating life as quickly as possible.

She had no one left to return to.

They had all left one way or the other.

She had no static home, her truck was her base.

She breathed in deeply, expanded her lungs to the fullest and slowly released the air back into nature's circle. She was better off without anyone to worry about, to fear for or to miss. A weakness she'd decided to never let be part of her mentality and personality ever again. Who needs love with a beast of a truck and the freedom of just being? She'd travelled from north to south and east to west. She'd seen each state, every state capital and had visited almost every big city in the past two years, since she'd quit her old life, since she'd stopped caring for others, since she'd deleted the old Lexa. It was the definition of freedom in her dictionary.

It was the beginning of December, and her current commission took her back to the South of the country. She'd been excited to visit it again as it had been a while. Plus, Lexa was happy for not having to scrape ice and snow off her truck as temperatures were usually quite mild this time a year.

She used to come here more often in the previous year, but business had kept her up north recently. She loved this region though. Not so much for the religious, narrow-minded older generation, but for the easy-going and hard-working youth; it reflected her. The landscape wasn't hard on the eye either. It had rivers and lakes, mountains and hills, parks and meadows. It was rich in colour and warm in heart. Lexa's soul felt connected in a way she had never experienced anywhere else in the country, but it wasn't enough for her to stay and get back into place-bound labour.

It was early evening and Lexa had stopped at one of the many 'truck dives' along the highway, when her radio crackled and a soft, husky voice filled her cabin.

" _Hey drivers out there, stay safe and sound."_

* * *

Thank you for reading and let me know what you think... right now... or not. Up to you, but I LOVE to hear from you guys.


	2. Two

Happy second of Christmas. And off you go to read...

* * *

Lexa smiled lazily, sipping on her beer. Throughout her time on the road she had listened to many unusual conversations, but the next transmission surprised her. The person cleared their throat whilst soft guitar chords replaced the static, before accompanying the strummed melody with humming. Lexa relaxed in her seat and increased the volume a little, when the hum transformed into actual words.

" _I miss you every day although it's been a while. The devil made you play and your last move was your last mile. You turned off the road of life and to my heart the news was like a knife it's torn apart. I miss you every day."_

The voice hummed again and Lexa felt a lump in her throat and swallowed the lukewarm beer in her mouth. It was a woman who was singing and she sounded heartbroken and devastated. Almost like Lexa herself had felt two years ago, ripped open and left to bleed out.

" _You showed me how to navigate through life's demanding paths. The sky dwellers my constant guide and only ones that last. You've gone to where I cannot follow; you left this life bare and hollow. I miss you every day."_

Lexa shifted in her seat. She wasn't uncomfortable, but the words left her restless. For someone without a home, they hit damn close to one, and she didn't want to fall down the rabbit hole she had skirted around for a year until she had successfully pushed all thoughts aside and had never let herself think of it again. Until this very second, in the middle of nowhere, when a siren stirred the potpourri of her broken heart, pain and loneliness.

" _How am I supposed to breathe, when all is sore and pains and aches? I can feel it beating lively but I know it only breaks. Each time I see happiness, I feel worse and worse and worse. Will this ever stop hurting or is this my goddamn curse?"_

The lyrics were sung angrily now and Lexa saw her hand moving to the radio, picking up her mouthpiece and pressing the push-to-talk button without really knowing what she was going to say. The voice quietened immediately, leaving the static to penetrate the cabin. Lexa started to panic; the woman must have heard her. A moment went by. A heartbeat, and then Lexa heard her again. The voice was still husky, but it missed the sadness and certainly the anger, when it called out.

" _Lion cub here from Polis County, looking for conditions."_

Lexa stared at the radio and chewed on her lower lip. The woman was looking for someone to call back to her to make contact. Not just someone, she was talking to Lexa as she had given herself away by interrupting the woman's transmission. She still had a firm grip on her mouthpiece, but it rested in her lap. The seconds ticked by and Lexa waited tensed, beer bottle sat forgotten in her other hand, for anything to happen. She jumped when it did.

" _Breaker five. Lion cub from Polis County this is Old Beard, you got a copy on me?"_

A male voice had replied and Lexa visibly relaxed and let out the breath she had held in for way to long. She lifted her forgotten beverage to her mouth, but stopped mid-movement when she heard a sound that mesmerized her.

The female voice giggled and answered. _"Ten-four."_ She chuckled again. _"Old Beard, really?"_

Lexa grinned as well. The snigger had stirred her away from the dark memories lurking in the back of her mind. She finally took another sip and listened to the conversation starting on channel five.

" _It's fitting; don't you think?"_ The male voice asked, but didn't wait for an answer as he continued. _"How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while."_

Silence. Crackle. _"I'm surviving."_

" _You know you can talk to me?"_

She sighed, and hummed in affirmation. Lexa smiled softly and looked outside her window. The conversation seemed somewhat private. The two most definitely knew each other or had been talking before now. She left it to the man to help.

When she had picked up the microphone she had just wanted to soothe the woman's pain and offer words of positivity, but nothing had come to mind. When Lexa had been mourning, she hadn't been able to stand people who had placated her with "it'll get better" or "time will heal all wounds". She knew they were right, and time had certainly helped her, but her pain had only scarred over instead of vanishing. Lexa didn't feel like sharing such vacuous lines with the woman on the radio.

" _He was my friend. I miss him."_ The male voice said after a while of silence.

It cracked a few times in between static. Lexa suspected the woman pressed the button to talk and released it again without speaking. _"What do you miss most?"_ She asked quietly after a minute.

" _His unbelievable optimism and helper syndrome."_ The man laughed. _"He was so positive and full of himself. He used to annoy the shit out of me, but I adored him."_

" _Yeah."_ It was barely a whisper.

" _I heard your song."_

" _I apologise to whoever else felt obligated to listen to my wailing."_

Lexa quickly turned her eyes back from the world to her radio and down to her hand checking she hadn't accidently pressed the button again. She felt bad for eavesdropping, but this was a public channel. She hadn't done anything wrong.

" _Clarke, it was beautiful."_ The man assured her and Lexa nodded subconsciously, letting the name roll quietly over her tongue. 'Clarke.' It sounded intriguing and tasted promising to her all at once.

" _Thanks."_ She sounded shy.

" _What's your twenty?"_ The guy asked, and Lexa's interest peaked even more, as she wondered where the woman lived. She could be anywhere in a radius of one to fifteen miles from Lexa's current positions, maybe even more seeing the channel was clear.

" _Home. You?"_ Clarke answered, too evasive for Lexa to get any further clue. What would she do with the information anyway? Visit her? Lexa shook her head at the notion. She had no idea why she'd even thought it. Maybe she wanted to help her?

" _Great. I'm 51 to you. Fancy dinner?"_

As the man was heading her way, they ended on agreeing on seeing each other and the channel went silent once more. Lexa was about to switch off her radio and settle for the night, when Clarke spoke up again.

" _Whoever you are, talk to me, if I catch you again. This is lion cub. Stay safe, driver."_

* * *

Did anyone think I'd make it easy for my two favourite characters? Aaaah, you should have known. I love drama. Hope you enjoyed it. Let me hear it. See you tomorrow.


	3. Three

Happy third of Christmas. This one is short, but... warning... sad content...

* * *

Lexa grimaced at being called out, before she locked her truck and climbed into the back. She lied down; hands folded behind her head and looked up at the cabin ceiling. She was sad for Clarke's loss. Whoever the person had been to her, she had loved him very much. Still loved him probably if the song was anything to go by. She wished she had been braver and had offered some words of consolation. In the end, she was an expert in that field, having been exposed to so many different variations of comforting nothings.

Lexa closed her eyes and deflected her feelings. She'd experienced her own losses in her young life. Her parents had died when she'd only been a young kid and she'd ended up in the system. She'd been passed from family to family, never staying long enough to belong and experience further loss until she'd met her. They had been together for three years, before it had become difficult, but Lexa had trusted their love for each other would be strong enough to overcome all the hurdles and boulders thrown at them. She had been fatally wrong; she hadn't seen the decline and the consequence had pulled the rug out from under her feet. Her girlfriend, who had suffered from cancer, hadn't seen another way out and had run head first into oncoming traffic. She hadn't even left a letter.

She'd loved, deeply loved, but had lost all of them. Lexa wiped over her face and breathed slowly in and out. The conversation she'd stumbled upon moments ago had woken her inner demons, the message loud and clear in her head. 'Everyone dies around you. Everyone leaves you.' On repeat, over and over and over. She couldn't sleep, too troubled by her turmoil. She'd originally planned to rest for a few hours before she had to get going to meet her next customer, but seeing that slumber wasn't going to happen, she crawled back behind the wheel, started the motor and navigated back onto the highway. The black night swallowed everything around her leaving her focused solely on the lines of the road.

* * *

It had been a few days since Lexa had heard from Clarke. She had been travelling further west. Now she was back on the same highway. Her last client had contracted her for the whole of December to deliver metal beams from the production plant to the construction site. She didn't mind spending a month of winter here. It was sunny and bright today.

" _How 'bout it southbound. Lion cub from Polis County. Anyone out there?"_

Lexa itched to pick up the transmitter and start a conversation, but what were they going to talk about? Maybe the weather or highway maintenance or… "Break five. Lion cub in Polis County this is VNLexa 630, you got a copy on me?" She heard herself say and her eyes widened as her action sunk in. 'Oh my god.'

* * *

Oh Lexa... it's really confusing if your body decides for you what it wants to do, isn't it? :)


	4. Four

Happy fourth of Christmas. Let's get on with the story, shall we? Clexa talking for the FIRST time, yay... or?

* * *

" _Ten-Four, Vnlexa 630. Interesting handle, driving a Volvo by any chance?"_ Clarke chuckled.

"Affirmative."

" _Sweet. What's your mission?"_

"Currently hauling fence post holes. Am on my flip-side."

Clarke laughed at her explanation for being on the way back from a job with an empty truck. _"End of day?"_ She asked curiously.

"Magic mile, but distance isn't an issue at the mo. Been driving within a 50-mile radius."

Lexa was on her way back to the service station she'd planned on staying for the night. She enjoyed the easy small talk with Clarke. She liked the hoarse voice and the little laughs or giggles. She wondered if she should tell her she had heard her song.

" _Easy operation?"_

"Good money. How 'bout you lion cub? Interesting handle as well."

" _Mm. I'm sorry I forgot yours already."_ She evaded sounding ashamed, but Lexa laughed.

"It's not an easy one I guess. Call me Lexa."

" _I see what you did there. Combining the truck with your name. That's smooth. Hi Lexa. It's Clarke here."_ She rambled.

"Hiya." 'Hiya?' Lexa groaned inwardly at her weirdness. "You're on here often." She meant to articulate it as a question, but she knew the answer already.

" _You could say that."_

"Driver?"

" _Naah, I'm a stroller."_

Lexa perked up. "You're not in the transportation business?"

" _Nope."_

"How come you know the lingo?"

Clarke was silent for a bit, but channel five was clean as usual and greeted Lexa with static. She waited her out; she had nothing better to do. Eventually Clarke answered.

" _My dad taught me."_

Lexa slowed her vehicle as she approached the gas station. "Your dad?" She asked a little absent. "Is he a driver?" She indicated and manoeuvred her truck into the designated area, before killing the engine and unbuckling her seat belt.

She didn't clock the length of Clarke's absence. Was it a minute, five minutes? Lexa stretched and fiddled with her shirt, when she realised she hadn't received an answer. She looked over at the radio. 'Still on.' She furrowed her brow and checked her microphone. 'Not sending myself.' It dawned on her that Clarke simply hadn't answered her question. 'What did I ask?' Lexa thought and tried to remember when it hit her. 'Shit!'

"Clarke? Do you copy?" She asked appreciatively, but was met with static. "I'm sorry. This is VNLexa 630 and I'm clear." She said after another minute of silence. It didn't make sense to block the channel, if they weren't talking, although it seemed not to be used by others.

" _Clear after you."_ She heard the same sadness laced voice she had a couple of days ago answer a moment later, when the channel was cleared completely. Clarke must be crying.

"Fuck!" Lexa hit her steering wheel hard at her stupidity. She stared out of the front into a row of trees, immobile and brooding. "She lost her dad." She whispered to herself and her heart hurt painfully for the other woman.

* * *

Ups... that didn't go well now, did it? Stay tuned to find out how Lexa will dig herself out of this mile-deep hole. She will... I promise... don't worry... I've got you. You're safe. Have a nice second advent everyone. 'Till tomorrow. J


	5. Five

Happy fifth Christmas. Some of you pointed out Lexa didn't know and should not be held responsible for her slip up. I agree.

* * *

Clarke stared at the wall of the garage where she had kept her dad's possessions; the remains of what her mother had not thrown out after he'd died. They had been divorced for a few years, but her dad had lived for the job without a place for himself, and her mother had been kind enough to agree for him to use their old home as his address and store some of his stuff.

Clarke hadn't talked to her mother for three months, after it had happened. Not that it had been her mum's fault, but she hadn't seemed to grieve the loss as much as Clarke had and the blonde had felt completely left alone and misunderstood. She had moved the stuff out of her parents' home into her own place and had nestled it into her converted garage. She'd spent hours in there talking to other drivers or singing away her pain. It helped some days. Not today though. She had been talking to a woman named Lexa and had enjoyed it until she had felt forced to admit her loss. Lexa hadn't known and Clarke cursed herself for still being so sensitive about the subject. It had almost been a year. She should be better by now. She should be able to talk about it like a normal person. She wasn't though. She missed her father as soon as she opened her eyes. He had been her go to person, had been the one who had understood her hopes and dreams and had pushed her to make them a reality.

She hadn't touched a paint brush since it had happened. She hadn't been able to look at a canvas or let her mind wander for inspiration. All it produced were those heart-breaking lyrics she converted into music.

She felt terrible for letting Lexa hang like that. She sounded young and her voice was beautifully deep and rich and soothing in a way. She should apologise. She should explain herself and hope Lexa would understand. Or she could leave it and maybe catch her again another day and pretend like nothing had happened. The thought felt unsettling; she wasn't going to let it play out like this. What if this had been the last time she had spoken to her? What if she had upset her and this would be the last thing this unknown person ever felt? If Clarke had learned one thing from her father's death, it would be to cherish the moment and not expect to have more time.

"Lexa, this is Clarke from Polis County, you got a copy on me?"

* * *

Lexa had been lying in her bunk listening to music. She was miserable and moody. The way her talk with Clarke had gone downhill sat heavily on her. She had upset her. She had made her cry. By mistake, Lexa was aware of that, but it had still happened. If someone had mentioned her father shortly after he had died, she would have been just as devastated.

She had played with the radio a few times, wondering if she should call out to Clarke or let her be and hope she would hear her again one of these days. She had searched for other channels to keep her entertained, but after a while had come back to number five. Just in case.

Lexa had no idea why she cared so much for someone she had never met, and had no clue how she or what her life looked like. All she'd experienced had been a voice and a song and it had captured her mind. Made her overthink their interactions again and again, but Lexa didn't want to care for anyone. She had stopped caring when fate had let her down a third time and had taken everyone away from her. Lexa didn't do caring. She didn't even care for herself as much as she should. The feeling of worrying for someone wasn't new to her, but it was entirely unwelcomed. Lexa huffed; annoyed by her stupid brain and had leaned over to switch off the radio completely, when Clarke's callout reached her.

" _Lexa, this is Clarke from Polis County, you got a copy on me?"_

* * *

Sooooo... I think now is a good time to mention I love slowburns. However, considering the December offers me limited days, it won't be too bad.

Return tomorrow for another chapter and see if Lexa picks up the radio and talks to Clarke. :) Thanks for all the feedback so far. I love hearing from you. Let me know what you think. Stay safe. J


	6. Six

Happy sixth of Christmas. Today is a special day... you might ask why? Read on...

* * *

It was quiet again, only the soft music from her mobile playing in the background. Lexa stared at the device, which had spoken to her, but didn't move a muscle.

It crackled again and Clarke's voice filled her truck once more. This time she sounded tired, exhausted. _"Lexa, if you hear me, I'm sorry."_ Clarke was silent again and Lexa scrambled over her seat and snatched the microphone out of its hook.

"Lion cub? Do you copy?" Lexa didn't have to wait long.

" _I'm here."_

Lexa sighed in relief. "I'm sorry too."

" _Don't be. You've done nothing wrong."_

"I heard your song. I'm sorry, I didn't realise."

" _Oh…"_

"It was me on the channel that night."

Clarke laughed softly, relieved. _"Thank god it wasn't a crazy stalker."_

"You've got many of them?"

" _No, you'd be the first."_

"You have a beautiful voice."

" _Thanks."_

They were silent for a moment, basking in the knowledge the other was just there.

"How come no one is ever on this channel?"

" _My dad and I used it. I think people think it's mine now."_ Clarke explained and Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat.

"I lost someone special to me too. Her name was Costia." She said quietly, surprising herself for talking about the most painful of the deaths.

" _I'm sorry."_ She heard Clarke whisper.

"She got diagnosed with cancer. I wasn't enough for her to fight it. She killed herself." She heard the crackle but Clarke didn't talk and so Lexa continued, knowing how much the other woman still suffered from her own loss. "I thought I'd never get over the pain, but I did." It was true and she wanted to give Clarke hope for a time when it would be easier to breathe and exist.

" _How?"_ Lexa had to strain her ears to understand the one syllable question.

"By recognizing it for what it was... weakness." She sighed. "Loving someone, wondering where they are and if they're alright is weakness. I stopped caring." Lexa remained silent after her last admission. She wasn't sure if she felt better or worse now.

" _About everyone?"_

Lexa didn't divulge that there was no one to care for anymore. "Yes."

" _I could never do that."_ Clarke said quietly, but with conviction.

"Then the pain will never go away." Lexa countered and waited. A few moments passed, silence took over and Lexa closed her eyes. She was tired, it was late, but if Clarke needed someone to talk to, she'd stay awake.

" _My dad died almost a year ago on this highway. He was a driver, just like you."_ Clarke finally offered and Lexa heard her voice breaking. " _We talked all the time when he was on the road."_

"It must be hard." Lexa offered instead of the usual 'sorry'.

" _You wanna listen to some music?"_ Clarke surprised her after a moment. _"Not me… just songs I listen to when I'm missing him the most."_ Her voice was laced with tentativeness.

"I meant it when I said you have beautiful voice." Lexa stressed, but chuckled. "Put it on."

" _You're kind."_ It crackled and then a guitar filled the bubble Lexa felt herself in, before the lyrics trickled through the radio.

" _So, now you're not there, but your ghost still burns in the air. Finally above us the waves have come to take you away. And with this song, I'll say goodbye, and thank you for what you've done to my life. And finally I'll say it with love; I hope you're at rest in the stars above.  
And I don't understand what you died for. We still could have given so much more. And I know you are something I could never be, but I know you're still there watching over me."_

The song ended and Lexa heard Clarke breathing, before her raspy voice asked. _"Do you believe in guardian angels?"_

"I don't." Lexa answered softly. "You?"

" _I'd love to. I'd love to believe that he's watching over me. That would mean he isn't gone completely… forever."_

"Yeah." Lexa agreed. "I get that."

" _How long since it happened? If you don't mind me asking?"_

"Two years." Lexa knew what Clarke was referring to. People always asked. She didn't understand what they would do with the information or why it mattered.

" _730 days…"_ Clarke trailed off and Lexa nodded absentmindedly. _"I read somewhere that people start to forget after a year. I'm afraid I'll forget how he sounded."_

Lexa blinked a few times, before she picked her brain. "I still remember her laughter. It was pure and bright and so happy. I could never not laugh along. It was infectious."

" _Do you still love her?"_

"I still miss her." Lexa answered evasively. She hadn't thought about love for such a long time. It had been irrelevant to her new life. Now she wondered though. Was she still in love with her?

" _Is it normal?"_ Clarke's question pulled her back into the here and now.

"Is what normal?" Lexa couldn't follow the train of thought.

" _Is it normal to miss someone so much?"_

Lexa was quiet, thinking about it carefully before she answered. "Well, the definition of normal is conforming to an expected standard. Is it expected to miss someone who's important? I'd say so." She replied deep in thought.

" _When is it not expected anymore?"_ Clarke's voice quavered. She was worried, Lexa realised.

"You're very much ok on the scale of grieving." She tried to reassure her.

" _People make me feel I should be over it by now."_

"People are assholes." Lexa huffed.

" _True."_ Clarke giggled slightly despite her grave mood. Lexa made her feel lighter.

"I don't agree with anyone who thinks grief and pain should expire."

" _Have you been seeing someone for help?"_

"A shrink…?" Lexa asked carefully.

" _Professional counsellor..."_ Clarke corrected.

"No."

" _My mom begs me to talk to one…"_

"Do you want to?"

" _I don't believe it would help."_ Clarke answered annoyed. _"I've heard so many bad things from abhorrent therapists, to indiscretion, to complete unprofessionalism."_

"You know more about it then I do."

It was quiet again, the clock on her dashboard showing midnight.

" _Lexa?"_

"Yes, Clarke?"

" _Can we talk about something else?"_ Clarke was tired of the topic. She had had lunch with her mother earlier that day and had had to listen to her rambling on about some doctor she thinks she should see. She was done talking about it. Lexa was new and interesting; she wanted to learn more about her.

* * *

See, special as in: Yay, they finally communicate on the same wavelength! *clap, clap*

In other matters, the song I've used is 'Missing' by City and Colour. Check it out.

So, what's up next? Well, let's see what other topics the two find to talk about. Stay tuned and be safe wherever you are! J


	7. Seven

Have it... Read it...

* * *

Lexa sensed Clarke's discomfort and shifted in her seat to lean her head against the window and closed her eyes sleepily, before she smiled and asked. "If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?"

Clarke laughed quietly and just like that the easiness from the very first exchanged words was back.

" _Sushi. Always sushi."_

"You get sushi somewhere here?" Lexa blurted out in surprise.

" _Yeah. If you ask nicely I might tell you where."_

Lexa grinned. "Please tell a sushi-starved trucker chick where she can get her raw fish fix."

" _This should be your handle. That right there…"_ Clarke giggled.

"A little long, don't you think? And pretty please…" Lexa laughed.

" _Do you know Rockfield? A few miles off the highway past Rosedell?"_

"I have a navigation system, I don't need to know." Lexa laughed. "Do you eat there often?"

" _Wouldn't you like to know?"_ Clarke laughed, pushing aside the heaviness in her heart. She was enjoying the banter with this girl.

"What? No…" Lexa stumbled over her words. "I mean, yeah, but no…"

" _Easy, I was just messing with you."_ Clarke said, delivering Lexa from her awkwardness with ease.

"Ok." Lexa felt her blush subside, feeling stupid for overreacting in the first place. 'There's nothing wrong with me wanting to know what she looks like.'

They were quiet for a moment and Lexa racked her brain for what else they could talk about, when Clarke offered a new topic.

" _If you were in charge of picking the eighth wonder of the world, what would you choose?"_

"Oh my god. That's random, but I like it. Mmm, let me think." Lexa replied, positively surprised.

" _Take your time."_

"Ok, I got it. International Space Station." She said after several moments of various thinking interjections.

" _Why?"_ Clarke sounded astonished.

"I'm fascinated by stars and planets. It must be incredible to be up there and look down on Earth and be amongst the stars." Lexa gushed. "What would you pick?"

" _Easy… Machu Picchu."_

"Um…yeah?"

" _It's breathtakingly gorgeous. It's everything about it. It's rough and sharp, but it's also endlessly green and full of depth and mystery."_ Clarke raved and Lexa could feel the smile behind the words.

"Have you been?"

" _No, but I will one day."_ She answered convinced. _"Just have to find the money from somewhere."_

"Well, at least your wonder is accessible to tourists."

" _True."_ They both chuckled and Clarke sighed. _"Tell me something about you."_

"What do you want to know?"

Static took over for a moment and Lexa bit her bottom lip in anticipation of the question. She suspected Clarke might ask her age or why she was a trucker.

" _What's the strangest compliment you've ever gotten?"_

"Oh." That was certainly unexpected, Lexa thought but shrugged. "Strange as in unexpected or flat out weird?"

" _Both."_ Clarke laughed.

"Ok. Well, a couple of months ago I was chatted up by a girl with 'Hey there, I happened to notice your incredibly long fingers. Are they taken?'…" Lexa laughed. "That was very unexpected!"

" _Oh my god… how very straight to the point… or not straight in that case." Clarke laughed along._

"And I think I remember a girl calling me a cute, little raccoon…"

" _Why a raccoon?"_ Clarke asked intrigued.

"I asked her and she said my eye makeup makes me look like one."

" _Wow, now I'm curious what you look like."_

"Now you are? Thought your whole 'strangest compliment question' was you digging."

" _Maybe… What's your hair and eye colour?"_

"I'll tell you if you answer also."

" _Blonde and blue."_ Clare revealed instead of giving an empty promise.

"Brunette and greenish, sometimes brownish or goldenish."

" _Depending on the light?"_

"Yeah…" Lexa sounded surprised.

" _I'm an artist in my free-time. I know a lot about light and colour."_

"Wow. That's great. I've always wanted to express myself with drawing, but it's highly disappointing when I compare the result to the idea in my head."

" _Skill comes with practice."_

"Nah, I'll leave it to the real deals like you. I'm a mess."

" _How would you know if I'm any good at it?"_

"You sound like you enjoy it. If you enjoy it, it means you like what you create. I believe it's good."

" _That's a great answer. You keep surprising me."_

"You don't know me, that's why I can surprise you." Lexa chuckled.

" _Very true. Let's change that."_ Clarke huffed. _"If you weren't a truck driver, what would you probably be doing right now?_

"Right now?"

" _Yeah."_

"Sleeping?" Lexa laughed.

" _Ah, I ran straight into that one."_

"You did, but to answer your question I'd be a chef."

" _You like cooking?"_ The amount of astonishment was a little insulting to Lexa.

"Yeah, I love it and am actually quite good at it. Well I used to be, but I'm sure I could cook something nice for you."

" _You want to cook for me?"_ It sounded like it was articulated through a giant smirk, probably accompanied by a raised eyebrow, but Lexa wouldn't know.

"I was just saying." 'Damnit… why the hell do I keep embarrassing myself like this?'

" _I'll keep that in mind."_

"What about you?" Lexa returned the question and realised she had no clue what Clarke was doing for a living to begin with. "What is it you do anyway?"

" _I manage my own business and I love it, but I would be a fulltime artist if I could survive on it."_

"Wow." Lexa ignored the vagueness of Clarke's description. She wouldn't push if she didn't want to give more details.

" _I got lucky."_ Clarke answered after a heartbeat and Lexa thought she heard her stifle a yawn. She looked up at her dashboard. Quarter-to-one. She could still sleep at least 5 hours before she had to get going.

"Are you reading any good books right now? I'd love some recommendations." She asked, unwilling to think of ending her chat with Clarke.

" _Life on the road can get boring, huh?"_ She didn't wait for an answer from Lexa. _"I'm not big into reading. Do you have a TV?"_

"Yeah I do, but no Wi-Fi or satellite connection. What's your favourite show then?"

" _My favourite show…"_ Clarke drawled out in thought. _"I've watched so many over the years. Damn, that's a brainteaser. Let me think."_ She hummed an unfamiliar tune and Lexa closed her eyes for a little, listening to the sound, which was oddly soothing. _"I think I'd say Dexter. That was a brilliant show, well, minus the last season. I pretend that one never happened."_ Clarke said after a while. It was silent at the other end. _"Lexa?"_

Upon hearing her name, she moved the microphone closer to her mouth but kept her eyes shut. "Still here. Dexter huh… I've heard of it."

" _Did you fall asleep? What time is it anyway?"_

"One and maybe. Your melody was like a lullaby." She answered half asleep.

" _One in the freaking morning? Oh my god, Lexa I'm so sorry."_

"Don't be." She mumbled. "I've thoroughly enjoyed my night with you."

Clarke sucked in a breath in surprise at the innocently murmured, but oh so suggestive reply. _"I loved talking to you too."_ She found herself answering with a genuine smile.

"Good."

" _I hope you'll get enough sleep. Please be safe Lexa."_ She sounded worried and Lexa finally opened her eyes at hearing the emotion in Clarke's voice.

"Hey, don't worry." She pushed up in her seat. "I don't need much sleep."

" _Still… I'm so sorry I've kept you."_

"You didn't keep me, I wanted to talk to you."

" _Ok. Now please go and sleep."_

"Sounds like you want to get rid of me." Lexa joked.

" _Not really, but I'd prefer you alive."_ It was meant as a statement, but they both knew the fear sat deeper. Plus, although they'd just talked for only a few hours, they already didn't want to say farewell anytime soon. Something felt right.

"Clarke, I'm good. Please don't worry. If you want, talk to me later?"

" _As long as it won't distract you."_

'You do distract me. In the most surprising way I thought never to experience again.' Lexa shook her head at the thought. Impossible. Or was it?

"Don't worry. I'll have a few breaks. We can talk then?" She offered, confused by her own mind.

" _I'd love that. Sleep well, Lexa."_

"You too, Clarke." She mumbled tiredly.

* * *

Sooooo... I guess this is somewhat redemption for the slow start... a little bit of Clexa... I promise there's more to come. Hope you'll stick with it. See you tomorrow. J


	8. Eight

That night, Lexa had fallen asleep the second she had crawled back into her bed and woke up a few hours later feeling fresh and strong. She was used to little sleep and power naps. It had been a good night. She thoroughly enjoyed the time spend with Clarke and had experienced the first night in about two years where she hadn't dreamt of death or loss or pain. She knew she had the blonde to thank for that. Clarke had so suddenly stumbled into her life and had deliciously distracted her from the monotone version of her own. Lexa hoped she could offer the same to her.

The day went by quickly and Lexa had radioed as promised on each of her breaks. Clarke had answered each time and had apologised profusely for keeping Lexa awake. She had forced Clarke to stop though as she wasn't tired. They talked about more non-important, but nevertheless highly entertaining topics such as: previous travels, superpowers and a long list of 'favourite this and that's'. At the end of Lexa's working day, she pouted profusely at the fact that Clarke had had to leave for her own job.

"What am I going to do tonight?" She asked disappointedly.

" _Whatever you were doing before we started talking?"_ Clarke suggested with amusement in her voice. She knew how Lexa felt though. It was the same for her too.

"I don't remember." She really had to strain her brain to come up with the memory. It already felt like she'd known Clarke for a long time.

" _Poor you."_ Clarke teased. _"You could get something nice to eat wherever you're staying."_

"Yeah." Lexa answered slightly sad. "Maybe I'll check out that Sushi place you mentioned."

Clarke coughed loudly at that and Lexa wondered if she had choked on water, but when the blonde spoke again, she sounded alright. _"They're closed."_

"Oh. Ok."

" _I really gotta run Lexa. Have a nice evening. I promise I won't disturb you later. Get some sleep."_

"When are you done?"

" _I close at ten and then I'm usually back latest by eleven."_

"Call out for me?"

" _You should rest."_

"I will once I know you're ok." She never wanted to care for someone ever again. She didn't want to care. With care came worry and worry led to stupid thoughts. "Only if you want though…" She added thoughtfully.

" _If I want to let you know I'm safe?"_ Clarke asked for clarification.

"Mmm…"

" _I'll talk to you later then."_

Lexa smiled at that and wished Clarke a nice, easy shift.

'Now what am I going to do until eleven?'


	9. Nine

Apologies for updating so late on this site, but was down yesterday. I could not access my author page... anyway... happy ninth of Christmas.

* * *

The next week went by with them spending time together on the radio and with each passing day their talks got deeper and more personal.

Lexa learned about Clarke's family situation and revealed in return her own life story. She assured her that not everything had been bad. She had met nice families, but no one to anchor her down.

Clarke hated everything about Lexa's past. The stories lacked love and warmth and she wasn't surprised the brunette had turned away from being an active part of society. She wasn't the least bit surprised to hear that there were no friends or associates, and she wanted to reach out to her, but she worried Lexa would understand her offered friendship and support as pity and not genuine care. They didn't know each other well enough. 'Yet', Clarke hoped.

She, at least, had her parents, who had loved her unconditionally when she had grown up. Her parents had gotten on ok whenever they had shared the same space for Clarke's sake and she had been grateful for their effort. Now, with only her mom left, she turned more often to others. Like her father's friend Kane, who had stopped by a week ago, after catching her singing on the channel and Raven, who she'd known since high school. Since a week ago, Clarke had counted Lexa in this small circle as well. The woman had been nothing but a big surprise; a warm, friendly, entertaining amazement, who had managed more than once to guide Clarke out of her sad place or had prevented her entering it at all.

It was one of the nights Clarke had had to work when Lexa realised she missed her. Not only missed talking to her, but actually missed her company. She would already feel better knowing she was there, wherever that was, and just breathe and be. It scared her, but Lexa knew she only had to be with people to get over it. She decided to finally go and check out the place Clarke had recommended.

It wasn't always easy to navigate her big truck through small towns, but Rockfield was nice to her and the Sushi restaurant even more by offering a big parking lot. Lexa jumped out of her truck and stretched her tired bones after her long day of driving.

She entered the premises and was surprised by the vast amount of colours on the walls and furniture harmonizing perfectly and blending everything together. The combination of soft music and mouth-watering smells made her feel settled in a strange way. The restaurant was well occupied and she waited to be seated when a dark haired woman walked up to her with a smile and gestured her to follow along. When they reached an empty table, she apologised for the waiting times but promised someone would come as quickly as possible to take her order. Lexa just smiled and nodded in understanding. "Full house." She acknowledged.

"Yeah, it's always like this. We're lucky."

After the woman had left her, Lexa scanned the menu and realised in surprise the numerous different styles. Besides the sushi she knew she would find on the list, she also detected a wide range of burger creations as well as pasta and pizza. The mix confused her no end, but she figured a restaurant in a tiny place could only survive if it offered food and dishes all the locals could enjoy.

She was just about to zoom into the raw fish options, when someone approached her table.

"Hi there. Welcome to the Ark. My name is Clarke."

* * *

Some people have guessed as much. Pretty good... or I'm not as concealed a writer as I think I am. ;) Anyway... uups... J


	10. Ten

Because I'm off for the night jumping around Christmas markets and whatnot, I'm updating already. Finally the wait is over...

* * *

Lexa didn't have to look up to recognise who was standing next to her table. She knew the name and would identify that voice anywhere. She slowly lifted her head and let her eyes take in the woman, who had unknowingly managed to break through some of her walls in the past weeks. As expected, Clarke was blonde and had blue eyes, but Lexa would have never imagined them to be that blue and that spectacular and that-

"I'm sorry for making you wait. Have you been able to find something?" Clarke said, interrupting her thoughts. When their eyes met, Lexa thought she saw a flicker of surprise in the azure orbs, but that was unlikely. Clarke had no idea who she was as long as she kept her mouth shut. She could pretend to be mute, she mused.

"Hi Clarke." She said simply, watching her face scrunch up in confusion. 'So much about being mute.' Lexa scolded herself.

"Lexa?" The blonde asked tentatively, her eyes flickering nervously over her customer's features. The moment she had laid eyes on the brunette, Clarke had felt something shift. She had been drawn towards her immediately and it had surprised her, as she had never seen her before. Once the woman had opened her mouth however, Clarke instantly thought she knew who she was looking at. Her hunch was confirmed, when the seated woman smiled and nodded.

"What are you doing here?" Clarke asked her in confusion, nervously tapping her pen against the block.

"You recommended the place…" Lexa answered carefully. "I can leave if this is too uncomfortable for you." She offered without a pause.

"No… Oh my god. I'm so sorry, that was rude." Clarke raked one hand through her hair and averted her gaze quickly, before breathing in deeply and looking back at Lexa. "Let's start over, shall we? Hi and welcome to the Ark Lexa. I'm happy to finally meet you." She smiled widely and held out her hand in greeting.

The brunette stared at her in confusion but upon seeing the smile she pushed her hesitance aside and took the offered hand into hers. A tingle spread from her fingertips all the way to her spine, making her feel more alive than ever and Lexa blinked a few times at the sensation. She cleared her throat a moment later. "Hi." She repeated; eyes locked firmly on blue not letting go of the soft hand. They just looked at each other, wandering glances taking in the person behind the voice both had gotten so attached to within the shortest amount of time.

"If I had known you're so useless, I wouldn't have suggested you help out tonight." The woman who had seated Lexa earlier popped up from behind Clarke with a scowl on her face.

"Raven!" Clarke squeaked in surprise, slapping her away. "If I had known you're such a pain in the ass, I would have stayed in my office."

"You know how I am." Raven answered and looked in amusement between Lexa and Clarke. "Do you guys know each other?"

Clarke sighed and shot her friend a pleading look before she gestured to Lexa. "Raven, meet Lexa."

"The Lexa?"

"Ray, please."

"No, no, Clarke. I mean…" She turned abruptly to the woman, who had followed the conversation with a deep frown. "Are you the Lexa?"

"Um… what?" She blushed. "I don't know other Lexa's, but maybe Clarke does." She answered awkwardly.

"Wow, how did you find her?" Raven asked dumbfounded.

"She recommended the restaurant as a great sushi place."

"Smooth Griffin." Raven winked at her friend who rolled her eyes at the gesture.

"It was on autopilot. I always recommend it." She said; eyes fixed on the block in her hand, missing the confusion in Lexa's own.

"And I didn't know she worked here." The brunette offered with hesitation, unsure if she should just go.

"Works here? She owns this place." The brunette quipped.

"Ok Raven, you've said enough now. Go back and do the job you're paid for." Clarke was blushing now and Lexa smiled slightly at the sight. "I'm sorry." The blonde continued and plopped down on the chair opposite Lexa.

"For what?"

"Not telling you that this is my place."

"Clarke, you didn't have to. You don't know me and I guess you did right by keeping this private. It's safer that way. You never know who listens in…"

"You're not mad?"

Lexa just shook her head and smiled softly. "I can leave though if this is too much."

* * *

Mmmm... interesting. Let's see how the conversation proceeds. Come back tomorrow. Same place, same author. J


	11. Eleven

Ok.. on we go with this. Happy eleventh Christmas.

* * *

Clarke shook her head at Lexa's question, but remained silent. She didn't know how to handle the situation. Lexa was breathtakingly, achingly gorgeous and she just kept looking at her. When they had touched Clarke swore she had felt the concrete bunker she had built around her heart explode and it had left her breathless with a heartbeat off the charts. Clarke was not a superficial person, but the beauty in front of her gave her no chance to ever be able to forget about her. This was beginning to get complicated.

She was pulled back to reality when she saw the mouth she was staring at moving.

"Pardon?" Clarke's gaze snapped back up to Lexa's eyes, her own widening at being caught staring.

"I asked if I could order if I'm ok to stay. I'm really hungry." Either Lexa didn't see her getting lost or she'd decided to ignore it. Whichever, Clarke was grateful and smiled.

"Yes of course."

After another few minutes of awkward restaurant talk and recommendations, Clarke promised to be back quickly and Lexa finally released the breath she had been holding in. 'Wow.' She thought, subtly watching Clarke leave. 'What a woman.' She couldn't really wrap her head around the fact that she had just met the woman she had talked to every night and day for the past week and who had stubbornly taken up permanent residence in her mind. Now that she could match visuals to the tantalising voice she knew she was in trouble. Especially, with the mixed signals the blonde was sending her way.

Clarke came back with a drink for both of them and settled back on the opposite chair.

"So… this is spontaneous."

"I'm sorry. I'm sure I'll find another place." Lexa offered her an out and Clarke appreciated the gesture but shook her head.

"I'm glad I got to meet you." She sounded sincere.

"Me too." Lexa really was happy, and it felt so good for a change.

They got lost once more in each other's eyes as a comfortable silence took over. They knew so much about each other; it didn't really feel like two strangers meeting for the first time. They shared a smile and Lexa sipped at her ice tea watching Clarke mirroring the movement with her water.

"I'm sorry if Raven made you feel uncomfortable." Clarke said after setting down her glass. She worried her friend's overwhelming personality had made Lexa feel awkward.

"It's all good, Clarke."

"She found me talking to you one evening and wouldn't leave until I told her about you. She's been teasing me ever since."

"It's ok Clarke. You really don't have to explain yourself. Least of all to me." Lexa was curious what Raven would tease her about, but she tried to ease Clarke's discomfort instead of asking.

"So… um. How was your day?" Clarke changed the subject, grateful for Lexa's understanding. They hadn't been able to communicate much.

"Busy. Had more runs than any other day. You would think a company knows exactly what they'd need to finish their daily schedule."

"Planning and knowing in advance is not always easy." Clarke smiled, remembering her first months in her restaurant.

"True, but this is a construction site. I mean if they don't know how to do their jobs I don't trust the stability of their buildings." Lexa huffed and yawned.

"Do you want a coffee?" Clarke asked worriedly.

"Thank you. I'm ok." She smiled at the concern. It had been quite a long time since someone showed so much interest, care and worry in her. It was exciting and frightening at the same time, as Lexa had no idea what it meant. "So…" She drawled the vowel, thinking of what to say next. "I love your restaurant."

"Thank you." Clarke beamed at her.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Since when do you ask?"

"Since we met without consent." Lexa bit her lip shyly.

"You can ask me anything. I might just not be able to answer." They smiled warmly at each other.

"You said you're an artist. How come you own a restaurant?"

"Well, I said I'm an artist in my spare time." She clarified. "Down here, people aren't as interested in culture and art. There's not much you can do unless you're a farmer. The restaurant was an old idea of mine and Raven and I loved food and we always craved the cuisine, which wasn't offered around here. You sounded very surprised, when I talked about sushi and so do a lot of people. They come back though." She smiled and glanced down at her hands. "We started out as partners, got a loan from the bank and it worked. People love it here." Clarke looked up at the busy place, before sadness took hold of her features. "I recently bought the place back from the bank with the money I got from my father's life insurance. Raven's my manager now."

Lexa nodded, unsure of what to say. "It's a lovely restaurant and your food choices are crazy good."

Clarke's sombre expression changed to a small smile. "Well, it would only be crazy if you ordered a burger with sushi instead of fries."

They laughed with each other after both had pulled equally disgusted faces at Clarke's suggestion.

"Thanks for telling me." Lexa said after they had calmed again.

Clarke's eyes were fixed on the glass in her hand when she shyly admitted to Lexa. "I don't know what it is about you, but it feels good talking to you." She didn't see the soft smile taking residence on Lexa's face. She didn't witness the nervous lick over plush lips, but she noticed the warm hand prying her own finger away from the cold drink and lacing their hands together. She definitely felt the reassuring squeeze and gentle caress. Clarke swallowed emptily before looking up into warm, gentle eyes.

"I feel the same about you Clarke." Lexa's voice was barely a whisper and their gazes kept fixed on each other, shy smiles acknowledging the slight shift in their connection. Clarke squeezed Lexa's hand one last time, before clearing her throat and pushing up from her seat.

"I'm going to check on your dinner."

* * *

Oooooooh... I feel warm. Do you feel the warmth? Let's see what we can do with it...


	12. Twelve

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love came to me... Let's see how we can rock the boat. That's not how the song goes? My bad... moving on.

* * *

Lexa had finished her food and leaned back in her chair, happily observing the few remaining guests. She hadn't planned on staying so long, but after being there and talking to Clarke it felt impossible to leave and return to her parking spot for a lonely night.

She had just observed a couple leaving, saying goodbye to Raven and Clarke with a hug, before the blonde looked over to her and smiled. She said something to the three and they laughed, when she turned away. Lexa had no idea what was being said, but Clarke's face was priceless and judging her nonverbal response in the form of a finger, she assumed it had been Raven teasing her again. After another few minutes Clarke finally made her way back to Lexa carrying a tray with two cups.

"I thought you might want a coffee now?"

"That's kind." Lexa nodded and took the offered beverage out of the blonde's hand.

"I hope the food was alright… I hope you don't feel you wasted your time?"

"Does it make you uncomfortable that I'm still here?" Lexa asked worriedly.

"No!" Clarke immediately answered voice slightly louder than before. "No…" She repeated quieter. "I just…don't want to bore you." She hesitated.

"You couldn't. You haven't when we talked on the radio and you certainly won't ever when talking to me personally." Lexa blushed at her own words, at her admission.

"Ok." Clarke breathed out, intense eyes watching the brunette's every move.

"The food was delicious." Lexa offered a moment later, answering Clarke's earlier question.

"Good." She smiled again. "Um, we're closing now."

"Oh, ok." Lexa looked at her in surprise, but nodded. A moment later, coffee finished, she wiped her mouth with her napkin and pushed the little cookie offered along with the drink back to Clarke. "Thanks for your company."

"Thanks for stopping by." She wanted to say more, but she didn't dare. They smiled shyly at each other but after a short moment Clarke adverted Lexa's gaze, too overwhelmed by the emotion stirring inside of her by getting lost in the hues of green and black.

"Do you…" Lexa's voice broke at the intensity of her feelings and she cleared her throat and tried again. "Do you want me to wait and give you a lift home?" Clarke looked back at her, eyes showing uncertainty and something akin to worry. "It's late." Lexa added with a shrug as an explanation. "Don't want you to walk home alone."

"I live close by." Clarke stated carefully. "I don't want to keep you any longer. I'm sure you have to get up early again." She didn't mean to be dismissive, but she didn't know how to handle the situation. She was greatly confused and highly unsure of what she felt.

Lexa watched her for another moment as if she was searching for something, before she smiled weakly and finally stood up. If Clarke didn't want her to be there any longer, she'd go. Lexa knew when she'd overstayed her welcome. She hadn't meant to let herself fall into the blue anyway. It was better she got out of here as soon as possible. She pulled out some bills from her back pocket and dropped them on the table. "Thanks again. It was really good food."

"No Lexa. Please keep your money." Clarke protested instantly, picking it up and pushing it back to her.

"I've eaten your food and I'm paying for it just like any other regular customer." The brunette explained; a flicker of hurt passing quickly over her face, before dropping the money back on the table. Clarke sighed, but accepted it following her to the door.

"I'll be home by eleven. Will you let me know you're safe?" The blonde asked nervously, having felt the shift in the other woman's demeanour.

Lexa didn't look up as she buttoned her light jacket, she simply stated, "If you want" and Clarke definitely knew something was off. They had been wishing each other goodnight every day for the past week and Lexa was always persistent on knowing Clarke was home.

"What's wrong? Have I done something to offend you?" She asked, stopping Lexa from vanishing into the night.

"No Clarke. You haven't offended me." She finally made eye contact again and Clarke felt her heart squeeze painfully.

"Are we ok?" She whispered.

* * *

Oh oh... how quickly these two can go from lovey-dovey to heartbreak and pain is incredible... or is it just me? Stay tuned for the next part of the story.


	13. Thirteen

Very short chapter due to the story line... I apologise in advance for the frustration.

* * *

Lexa was puzzled by the question. She had gotten whiplash by Clarke's various emotions and was totally and utterly confused by what the blonde meant with 'we'. Clarke had switched from happy to seeing her to not wanting to see her any longer. Besides, Lexa was fighting her own question whether she wanted Clarke to be in her life or not, but since she had spent proper time with her she knew she wouldn't be able to resist giving it a chance. Whatever 'it' was. She didn't want to care about her, but she already did and it was fruitless to deny it. It hurt her more than she would have expected. "I am ok. Are you?" She finally answered.

"Yeah." Clarke looked at her not believing a word.

"Alright… well, talk to you later then lion cub." Lexa's smile was small, she didn't feel happy at all, but she could never not give Clarke a smile.

"Drive safely please." Clarke's voice broke.

"I promise." If Lexa had sensed the emotion threatening to overtake Clarke she didn't let her see it.

When Lexa arrived at her resting lot, she had already spent fifteen minutes wondering about Clarke, and she knew she would keep doing so until… well until she knew what was going on. Maybe it was rather simple and she just wasn't interested in Lexa as anything but a friend. Maybe that was it, Lexa thought when she relaxed in her chair and closed her eyes. 'Am I interested in being friends? Am I ready for a friend? Is it really all I want from her?'

" _Lion cub here. Safe home."_

Lexa was stirred out of her musing at Clarke's short transmission. "Copy that. Me too." She answered, knowing her voice would be recognised, but nothing else came through. Lexa didn't even bother clearing the channel as it was never used by anyone but the two of them. She sighed deeply at the hollowness taking residence in her chest and wondered if that would be the last time she'd hear from the blonde.

Little did she know that the woman in question was sat crying in front of her radio, rocking herself to a silent melody and chanting over and over, "I can't go through this again. I can't do this again."

* * *

Oooh? Demons are lurking in the dark... what's wrong with Clarke? Stay tuned to find out tomorrow.


	14. Fourteen

I'm sorry you guys are unhappy with the length of the chapters. The story is written... but I promise towards the end the chapters will get longer plus I have another surprise. So hope you'll stay with me and see it through... now go on.

* * *

They didn't talk for two days and Lexa felt like someone had cut a hole in her. She had gone through hell when Costia had decided to leave her forever and she knew from her experience that Clarke could have had the same effect if they had gone on. She was already hurting at the lack of the blonde's presence. Unimaginable, if she had allowed herself to seriously fall for her, how much pain she would have had to endure. A small part of Lexa was glad it had stopped before it could blossom, but the bigger part was just sad and depressed.

She didn't smile often before she had started talking to Clarke, but afterwards she had had a permanent grin etched onto her face whenever she thought about her. Now however, she wore a scowl that contorted her face into a mask of stoical misery.

It stayed like that until the radio crackled in the middle of the night, waking Lexa with a strangled voice calling out her name. She quickly sat up and climbed over into her chair.

"Clarke? Are you ok?"

" _Lexa?"_

"Yes I'm here." She reassured her and felt her heart break at the pain in Clarke's voice.

" _I'm sorry."_

"What happened?"

" _I… I'm sorry. It's late."_ Clarke stuttered, and Lexa could hear it was hard for her to talk.

"I was awake." Lexa lied, hoping the blonde would calm enough to tell what was wrong. It took another few minutes of soothing words for Clarke to finally talk again. Lexa never questioned once why she was so invested.

" _My dad died a year ago today."_ Her grave, emotion-battered voice broke and she cried again. _"I should…"_ Sobs took over her body and disrupted her words into incomprehensibility.

"Clarke, where is your station?" Lexa asked worriedly.

" _Home."_

"Where is home?" Lexa asked automatically, already putting on socks and shoes. There was no way she would let her be on her own. "I'll come to you." No matter how hard it was for Lexa, she knew she would be Clarke a friend if she needed one.

It was eerily silent now. No sobs or breathing, just static. "Clarke, do you copy?"

" _It's two streets from my work."_ She finally answered quietly. _"Number nine."_ Her answer was as vague as possible, but Lexa knew where to go and started the engine.

"I'll be with you as soon as I can."

" _Be careful…"_ Clarke sounded so desperate and helpless and Lexa envisioned her sobbing on the floor.

"Promise." She answered and switched on her normal radio. Soft piano music played old fashioned Christmas songs.

"You know…" She started talking once more, eyes fixed on the road. "I used to work as a volunteer in a nursing home and I met an old woman who had lost her three children and husband over the years. I would bring her tea and sit down with her and just let her talk. She was blessed with a sharp mind for one so incredibly old. One time, she looked at me and said 'I'll always miss my family, but I'm immensely grateful for the time I had with them.'" Lexa paused for a moment wondering if Clarke was listening. "I never really thought about her words until Costia took her life." It wasn't easy for Lexa to talk about it, but she soldiered on hoping it might help Clarke in some shape or form. "When she died I felt like I couldn't breathe without feeling my heart breaking over and over again and I couldn't imagine a life without her in it. She used to mean everything to me, but eventually it stopped hurting so badly and I started to remember the good times I had had with her more often than the pain her death had caused. Nowadays I'm sad not being able to show her what she's missing, but I'm grateful for having known her."

" _You still care for her…"_

It was barely more than a whisper, but it startled Lexa for a moment to hear Clarke's voice after having lulled herself into the monotony of her own speech.

"I treasure memories." Lexa answered shortly, indicating to park her truck once more at the restaurant. She killed the engine and gathered her phone. "I parked at the diner. I'll be there in two minutes." Clarke didn't reply and Lexa switched off her station.

* * *

Lexa is trying to help despite her own troubles. Isn't she the bestest. Let's see what she can do to help Clarke and hopefully the blonde will thank her if it helps... see you tomorrow fellow Clexakru.


	15. Fifteen

Let's just get on with it...

* * *

She found the house quickly, but stopped in confusion after seeing it all dark. "Clarke?" She whispered as loudly as she dared in the middle of the night. It sounded more like an angry hiss and Lexa winced slightly. It stayed calm for another moment before Lexa saw some light through a crack of the garage door and she headed towards it. "Clarke?" She asked once more before opening the door.

She found her just as she had imagined, lying on the floor, crying. "Hey…" Lexa cooed walking over slowly and sitting down next to the curled up body. She tentatively put a hand on her shoulder and repeated her greeting, when Clarke turned around and rolled into Lexa's lap, pressing her face tightly into her stomach. She was surprised at first, but quickly hugged her close and shifted to pull her in.

They stayed like that for a long time. Lexa didn't say anything, just held her and Clarke's tears slowed down and eventually stopped.

"Thank you…" She managed; her voice raw from crying, pushing herself out of Lexa's embrace.

"Anytime." She assured her. "Can I do anything for you?"

"You've already done so much for someone you don't know. I'm so sorry for throwing my problems at you." Clarke hesitated for a moment and the brunette looked at her encouragingly. She shook her head and let her last thought go unvoiced. She wanted to thank Lexa for caring, but the stoical woman might not have realised and the blonde didn't want to stir demons she couldn't control.

"I was a keeper in college. I'm good at catching." Lexa replied, trying to lighten the mood. "Seriously though, can I get you anything?" She repeated, brushing blonde strands behind ears in an innocent but gentle gesture.

"Why are you so nice?" Clarke's lips trembled at the softness.

"Why are you?"

"I'm not nice. I haven't talked to you in two days."

Lexa shrugged, trying to convince both of them it hadn't been hurtful to be pushed away. "You needed someone tonight and I was around."

Clarke was biting her lip. Raven would have been much closer to call, but she had wanted Lexa and the reason for that scared her. Clarke followed Lexa's gaze as she took in her garage. "It's a bit much, but I like it here. If I close my eyes it smells like him."

"It's not too much, if it helps. It feels welcoming, warm." She added with a small smile.

"I miss him so much." Clarke whispered.

"I know." Lexa simply answered. "I didn't know it happened so close to Christmas." Lexa mumbled. "What have you done today?"

"I went to the grave and put flowers down." Clarke's voice broke at the words.

"Did you talk to him?" The question was asked softly, almost carefully.

Clarke shook her head. "What's the point? He's dead." She sobbed.

"It helps."

"Have you talked to Costia?" It came out harsh, but Lexa didn't wince. She remained calm. This wasn't about her. She was here to help Clarke.

"Yes." She admitted. "I went to her grave every day in the beginning. At first I would just stare into nothingness, but then I started to open up. I yelled at her for leaving me. I was so angry."

"Yeah." Clarke interrupted. "I'm angry at my dad for giving up on us. He was in a coma for a few days and the doctors told my mom and me he would wake up eventually, but he didn't. He died instead." Her voice was a mixture of anger and hurt.

"Have you told him you're angry?"

"Lexa – he's dead." Clarke repeated and stood up. She was exhausted and restless.

"Humour me." Lexa followed her. "If I was him, what would you tell me?" She blocked her path.

Clarke eyed her warily and scrunched up her nose. "This is stupid." She breathed out bitterly.

"You can't let go and move on if you keep blaming him for something he had no control over."

"He left me." Clarke cried out. "He left me." She repeated once more and sucked in air deeply before her eyes glazed over and she started yelling. "You didn't fight. You just gave up. You pushed me to dream big and I did and then you left me and took everything with you. You left me." She slammed her fists against her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears, but Lexa stepped closer, took her hands and cradled them together and squeezed them reassuringly. "You said you would be careful but you took your eyes off the road. You weren't cautious and you ended up against that wall." Clarke cried out in pain. "You lied to me."

* * *

Will it help Clarke to heal? Let's see tomorrow...


	16. Sixteen

Let's move on...

* * *

Lexa just kept standing in front of her, watching her breakdown. She assumed Clarke had never voiced those thoughts out loud. People tend to feel horrible for speaking badly about the dead.

"You lied." Clarke said once more, the tension leaving her body as she fell against Lexa who caught her and held her and drew soothing circles on her back. And they stood like that, one cradled in the protective arms of the other, both seeking comfort.

Lexa felt her shifting now and then and adapted her hold accordingly to not crowd Clarke. Eventually her breathing became normal and she lifted her head off Lexa's shoulder.

"You were right."

"As long as you feel a little better." Lexa answered, knowing what she meant.

"Thank you." Clarke smiled weakly, but she smiled and as wondrous as it was, she felt better for having been able to let it out. She knew Lexa would never judge her. Lexa didn't know her father. She only cared for Clarke. She really cared and the blonde sighed at the knowledge.

"No problem." Lexa took a step back, giving Clarke room. "Please don't feel you need to explain anything. Consider me not even witnessing it."

"Ok." Clarke nodded thankfully. It was one thing to get her anger out, it was another story to explain it and Lexa was perfect for knowing the struggle. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"I'm good but don't forsake your needs for mine."

"Do you ever put yourself first?" Clarke rolled her eyes in jest.

"Sometimes."

Clarke watched her a moment longer before she nodded and went over to the fridge to retrieve a bottle of water for both of them. Just in case. "Everything you see belonged to my dad." She said when she joined Lexa again, changing the subject effortlessly.

"I figured." Lexa eyed the old vinyl player. "Is it working?"

"Yeah…"

"Do you mind?"

"What do you want to hear?"

"What was your dad's favourite song?"

"Fleetwood Mac, Everywhere." Clarke smiled weakly. "I think it was my parents' song or something. He'd listen to it whenever he thought he was alone."

Lexa fished for the record and put the song on. The melody filled the small space as they just stood listening to the song's beginning. Clarke nodded along to the familiar tune.

 **Can you hear me calling?**

Lexa looked at Clarke and smiled softly at her when she saw tears welling up again. She offered her hand. "It's time you make up with your dad. Think of him and your fondest memory." Clarke let herself be pulled into strong arms. "Dance with me?" She told her and swayed them softly to the melody.

 **Out your name**

 **You know that I'm falling**

 **And I don't know what to say**

 **I'll speak a little louder**

 **I'll even shout**

 **You know that I'm proud**

 **And I can't get the words out**

"He used to say that." Clarke said in surprise.

"What?"

"You know, that I'm proud." Clarke clarified.

Her eyes joined the smile and Lexa marvelled at the beauty in her arms. "I think he loved me very much." Clarke concluded after a moment, watching a serene smile take over Lexa's features and she blinked at the perfection in front of her.

 **Oh I,**

 **I want to be with you everywhere**

Blue eyes settled on Lexa and she felt stripped bare of her thoughts. She felt Clarke could read her very mind.

 **Oh I,**

 **I want to be with you everywhere**

She could see the desire and longing she had not been aware off up until now, when she was losing herself in the depth of the ocean. Clarke studied her carefully, noticing the various emotions in the valley of green.

 **Something's happening**

 **Happening to me**

 **My friends say I'm acting peculiarly**

Clarke gulped down the lump in her throat and after contemplating for another heartbeat she slowly leaned in.

 **C'mon baby**

 **We better make a start**

Their lips touched softly, hesitantly on both sides. Lexa was surprised at first, but eventually reciprocated the kiss. She sighed unbelievably quiet, but Clarke heard her anyway.

 **You better make it soon**

 **Before you break my heart**

Lexa took over the control of their kiss and changed the angle, noses caressing each other, her hand coming to rest softly on Clarke's cheek as she let herself fall in, but before she could close the distance once more, Clarke moved her face out of her reach and looked down whispering "I'm sorry", before she looked back into Lexa's eyes. "I thought I was ready."

 **Oh I,**

 **I want to be with you everywhere**

She looked at the brunette whose face covered her emotion in a blink of an eye from little disguised adoration to confusion to an illegible mask. Lexa watched her, glance flickering between her eyes to her lips before she closed them for a second and nodded almost invisibly.

"I should go now." She said after a moment and Clarke let her. She didn't know what to say or do.

Lexa cursed the world and herself the whole way back to her truck. 'Fucking stupid moron. Why the fuck did I let her? Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea? Why did I do that to myself?'

She stopped thinking about her reasons as soon as it hit her. She shook her head vigorously. She couldn't let herself fall for anyone. It would make everything more complicated. She was a free gypsy. She existed just for herself. She had no space in her life for anyone else. Except, her heart had already made space for her.

"Fuck." She yelled as soon as was inside her truck hitting her steering wheel hard. She quickly started the engine and leaving the little town, planning on never coming back again.

* * *

Oh no! What the hell? Why would Clarke kiss her and then tell her that? Why would Lexa let her do this to her?

Well, I guess because I'm the writer. Stick with me, I promise it'll end nicely with fluff... see you tomorrow. Thanks for all your feedback btw... I love reading each and every comment and review.


	17. Seventeen

Let's have a little look into Clarke's reasons.

* * *

Clarke hadn't spoken to Lexa in three days. She felt ashamed of her behaviour, but she couldn't explain it, even to herself. She knew, she was ready and she knew she liked Lexa a lot. The kiss had been magical, but she couldn't let herself go there. Lexa was a landmine and sooner or later she would detonate and rip what was left of Clarke's heart into oblivion.

"Hi Griffin. What's going on with you?" Raven asked her after the third day of sporting a nonstop scowl.

"Nothing." She replied short lipped.

"Yeah right, and I'm Santa." Raven joked, pushing her friend into an empty booth. "Come on. Talk."

"There's nothing to talk about." Clarke fumbled uncomfortably.

"Because you don't want to talk to me anymore? Have I been replaced by a certain hot trucker chick?" Raven gasped with pretended offense.

"No, because there's nothing going on." Clarke said rolling her eyes.

"Since when have we known each other?"

"Raven…" She breathed out warningly.

"No, tell me." The brunette pushed on.

"Ten years."

"Correct. So for ten years I've seen you happy, stupid, hilarious, sad, tired, devastated, destroyed and broken. Don't you think I'm perfectly capable of knowing something is wrong?"

Clarke sighed, dropping her head in her hands.

"Ok. Let me guess." Raven exclaimed and clasped her hands in fake excitement. "What could have happened to you over the past couple of weeks… Mmm… There's your dad, but this is a different mood you're displaying. Ooooh, is it that woman, what was her name?" Raven scratches her head thinking. "Ah how could I forget? You've only been talking nonstop about her. Lexa! How is she?" She finally said, settling her eyes back on Clarke who shrugged.

"I don't know."

"Speak woman."

As there was no way out, Clarke gave up and told her what had transpired between the two of them.

"Wow, poor girl." Raven shook her head.

"Poor girl? What about me?"

"Yeah, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you either…" Raven huffed out.

They looked challenging at each other.

"What did you say that for anyway? You haven't dated in ages. What are you waiting for?" Raven asked baffled after a moment.

"It's not that I don't want to date, it just can't be with her."

"Come again?" Raven looked at her in pure astonishment. "This woman has been there for you without hesitation and restriction. Has offered you her advice and support and you just strung her along? Wow Griffin, I'm not sure you and I can stay friends. That is hard-core." She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"I didn't string her along." Clarke complained loudly.

"Now you've lost me… You kissed her and then you pushed her away, so how can you say that?"

Clarke bit her lip unsure whether she should share her worries or not. Raven was not known to be sensitive.

"I… I like her. A lot, ok."

"Yes. And?"

"I can't be with her because she'll die and leave just like my father." Clarke replied, finally braking down and revealing her worst fear.

Raven was silently mulling her words over. "You're afraid she'll die like your dad, because she does the same job?" She asked for clarification after a while. Clarke only nodded in defeat. At the end it hadn't been that difficult to say it out loud.

"That weirdly makes sense. I assume you haven't told her that?"

"What's the point? It won't make it any easier and it won't change the facts."

"It would make it easier for her. She really likes you."

"How do you know?"

Raven smiled and tapped her nose. "Instinct."

"Oh please. You wouldn't know how to cook an egg for survival. Your instinct is basically non-existent."

"Ok… geez. No need to be offensive." Raven pouted. "I watched her, ok?" Upon Clarke's puzzled look she explained. "When you guys met, I watched her watching you."

"Oh." Clarke blushed heavily, making Raven grin at her.

"Contact her." She said after a short silence. "Ask her for a meetup and explain what's going on in here." She pointed at Clarke's head. "And here." She poked over her left boob and was promptly swatted away.

"Ok. I'll try."

The evening went by quicker than Clarke had anticipated and she found herself in front of her radio shortly before eleven. She breathed in deeply, not sure what she wanted to happen next. All she knew was that she owed Lexa an explanation.

"This is lion cub. Lexa, do you copy?"

* * *

Will Lexa answer? Will she listen if Clarke talks? See you tomorrow. Eight updates till Christmas!


	18. Eighteen

Thanks for the comments and voiced worries. I usually try to write the characters as realistically as possible. So yeah... here we go.

* * *

Lexa had avoided going out of her way by all means possible. She had tried to get out of the job and hit the road travelling west, but her contractor hadn't let her leave and she couldn't really afford to not finish the job. Her reputation was her biggest advertisement.

She was angry with the world. After two years of being alone, she had finally dared to open up to someone. To let someone in again and then that same someone, had shut her down. 'Not ready…' Lexa had thought about the words a long time and truth was she herself didn't know if she was or not, but she knew the moment Clarke had kissed her, that she would try again. She would let herself feel again.

Three days had passed and Lexa hadn't been on channel five and had avoided any situation that would remind her of her loneliness. Until tonight. She had bought herself a bottle of hard alcohol and was on a good way to drowning her sorrows. She stared out of her window, face leaning against the glass, letting her feelings roam free and her thoughts wander.

She played with the channels, jumped over five to two and back over to ten until she settled back on five and listened to the monotonous static. She didn't know how to feel about it. Of course Clarke wouldn't reach out. She shook her head and swallowed a healthy amount of liquid, burning down her throat on its way into her empty stomach. It didn't make her feel better, but it numbed her pleasantly. She had lost all sense of time, when the static was interrupted and she heard her voice again. She couldn't figure out Clarke's mood; the words were spoken with a neutral voice.

She waited, she didn't know what to do. She waited so long that she started to believe she had dreamed it.

" _Lexa? If you hear me, I'm so sorry for how things ended. Please let me explain. Please tell me where I can find you."_

There it was again. Lexa stared at her radio, trying hard to concentrate, but the alcohol took its toll on her and her vision blurred in and out of focus.

"Yeah." Lexa growled into her bottle. "You're sorry..."

" _I'll be waiting here for you."_

She was in no state to deal with this dilemma. She had no idea how she had managed to get there to start with. Clarke had surprised her from the beginning and although she never wanted to ever get attached to anyone again, the blonde had been quite irresistible.

She knew better than to make contact with Clarke whilst being inebriated. She could not be held responsible for what she might say. Instead of responding, Lexa switched off the radio and climbed into her bed, leaving the bottle in her front seat.

* * *

Hope this isn't too frustrating. Let me know. Please come back tomorrow to learn how it continues. Cheers.


	19. Nineteen

Let's get this moving along, shall we?

* * *

Clarke was devastated when she hadn't been able to connect with Lexa. She didn't know how to reach her. They had never exchanged phone numbers and she had no clue where Lexa parked her truck for the night or which construction company site she worked for.

Raven had offered to take her for a ride to inspect all the known spots for trucks to hole up, but she had never seen the truck in question. Only thing she knew was the brand which didn't help her at all.

She had called out to the brunette for the past few days and had only received silence.

"Maybe you could try other channels?" Raven suggested on their weekly girl's night.

"She knows this is where I am."

"She is avoiding you. Don't you think you should do something she's not expecting?"

"Like what? Sing her a song?"

Raven remained pointedly silent.

"You seriously think I should serenade her?"

"Worth a try. Hey I think pizza is ready."

Clarke stood up and headed for her kitchen, when Raven sneaked out into the garage.

"This is Raven. I don't have a fancy handle, but I have a message for someone. Lexa, get your ass back in touch with Clarke. She's been an idiot and she wants to talk to you. Can you do her this last favour? If not, can you do me this favour, 'cos she's a walking disaster."

Raven finished and slipped quietly back into the living room, hoping Lexa had heard her.

Lexa had been playing on her phone, when Raven's callout had reached her. Her first thought had been 'something has happened to Clarke' and she immediately had wanted to pick up her microphone to ask, but she hadn't. She had let Raven finish what she had wanted to say.

Lexa was still hurting, but she had also started to blame herself for the stupidity of letting herself have hope; that she hadn't been destined to be alone for the rest of her life. That Costia hadn't been 'it' for her. Clarke had so effectively managed to crawl under her skin, that any shower she had taken since then had only intensified the feeling of being lost and rootless.

Lexa originally hadn't wanted to answer Raven. She hadn't wanted to care about Clarke, she hadn't wanted to give her a chance to explain, but she again surprised herself, when she picked up the microphone a good ten minutes later and whispered, " _Lexa here. Tell her I'm listening."_

She didn't hear a word from Clarke that night.

"You did what?"

"Well, I had hoped she would be there but was avoiding talking to you."

"I haven't heard from her."

"Maybe you should just say what you wanna say?"

"It's personal. I don't want to do this publicly."

"I get it, but she's not making it easy. She has no idea why you called the curtain before the play could start. Maybe if you just say that, she'll be more likely to meet with you?"

Clarke thought about Raven's words for some time. It was her day off and she had done all the chores there were in order to distract herself. It was past seven now and she assumed Lexa would be back at her nightly spot.

Picking up her mouthpiece, she addressed Lexa like she had done so many times before and waited. After a while she sighed into the microphone hoping the brunette was there.

"Ok Lexa. You're dodging me and I don't know where you are. I understand from your past that it is hard to trust people and I haven't really been fair to you with my…" She paused, "rejection. However, the thing is, I do like you." Clarke paused. "God this is embarrassing." She mumbled. "I really hope you hear this."

Lexa did hear her, smiling weakly for the first time at the outspoken admission. At least she hadn't interpreted Clarke's words and actions before the kiss wrongly. Lexa didn't know where to go from there, but she needed to hear what Clarke had to say. For her sake. "Loud and clear." She answered.

She heard a sigh of relief, before Clarke spoke again. " _Thank god. Are you ok?"_ Lexa didn't answer and Clarke didn't really expect a reply, so she went on after a moment. _"Now that I have your attention, would you please, please, come over?"_

"I can't."

" _Why?"_ Clarke whispered in disappointment.

"You wanted to talk…" Lexa didn't finish. She thought Clarke would know that she could talk on the radio without having to meet in person.

" _Ok… but this is kind of personal."_ Clarke said quietly. _"Can I come to you?"_

Lexa was silent. She didn't think Clarke would be so persistent. "Do you have a car?" It was a stupid question, but it bought her time.

"I wouldn't offer to come to you, if I had no means of transportation." Clarke answered, but was greeted with more silence. She was about to ask if she was still there, when Lexa decided to speak again. _"No… it's fine. I'll come to you."_

"Are you sure? I really don't mind."

" _Do you want to talk in a truck?"_

"True."

" _I'll be there in a few."_

* * *

Lexa is curious. Very curious. And Clarke? She's trying...


	20. Twenty

First of all: My deepest sympathy to all my German / Berlin readers. I hope you're safe.

Secondly, it's time for some uncomfortable truths.

* * *

True to her word Lexa was knocking on the door only five minutes later.

"That was quick. Have you been close?" Clarke asked as soon as she had opened the door. She was met with the same stoical face and short abrupt nod. "Yes."

"Come in please." She opened the door wider and watched Lexa walk in slowly. They settled on the sofa, Lexa sipping at her water and Clarke drinking some liquid courage.

"Lexa?" Clarke licked her lips and waited for her to look at her. "I never wanted to hurt you." She started.

"That's kind." She didn't know if it was sarcasm or genuine thankfulness. She couldn't read Lexa any longer. The woman had completely withdrawn.

"I know you're angry at me and I know why, but I'd like to try to explain, if you'll let me."

"You don't know a thing Clarke." Lexa huffed out.

"Then talk to me. Tell me please."

"It doesn't matter. You wanted to talk to me." Lexa shrugged and gestured for Clarke to go on. The blonde looked at her in confusion.

"I'd like this to be a two-way conversation. There are clearly things on your mind and I'd like to hear them." She tried once more, but Lexa remained calm.

"Ok." Clarke breathed out. "I'll start then." She looked at Lexa before she repeated her earlier words. "I like you, but I'm scared." Clarke lowered her head. "I'm scared because you already mean a lot to me and I can't handle your job." She breathed out and waited.

"I don't understand. If you like me, you could have given this a chance?" Lexa asked quietly. "I don't get what my job has to do with any of this. Are you ashamed of me for being a driver?"

"What?" Clarke looked at her with wide eyes. This talk was going downhill quicker than she could say 'Geronimo'. "I'm not ashamed. Why would I be?"

"It's usually perceived as something uneducated people do. I've studied."

"Really? What?" She asked with genuine interest.

"You wanted to talk Clarke, please say what needs to be said." Lexa sounded defeated and Clarke looked at her and felt the anticipation radiating off her. She was just as nervous and Clarke felt even worse for what she was about to say.

"I like you. I told you that and it's the truth, but I can't be with you because I'm afraid you'll die." Clarke said quietly. "Just like my dad." She gulped visibly. "I can't go through that again."

Lexa stared at her in disbelief. Of all the possible scenarios she had thought of, this had not entered her brain once, and yet it made sense. So much sense. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise." She mumbled and watched Clarke for a long time, before she sighed and shook her head. "I can't quit my job and business, and I also can't promise I'd always be safe, even though I'd try to be. The risk has always been high." She swallowed emptily, before she added in a quiet voice. "And there's too much at stake for me to risk more."

"I know." Clarke wiped a stray tear away. "I could never ask you to change your life for me and I'm not going to do that, but I can't change either. This is inside of me and I don't know how to get over it."

"I understand, but this is my life and up until now I've always been safe, but this remains an uncertainty." Lexa stated with a heavy voice.

"What do you mean with there's too much at stake for you?" Clarke asked after a while. When Lexa didn't answer, she begged her. "Please, I want to know what's going on in your head."

Lexa laughed out painfully. "I'm surprised you didn't realise."

"Please tell me."

Lexa watched her, eyes wandering quickly between the two blue watery orbs and she sighed. "You are…" She started and stopped, collecting her thoughts. "We both lost someone close to us and I've seen what it had done to you, but have you ever questioned what my loss has done to me? When we met I told you that I cared for nothing and no one, yet somehow…" Lexa breathed in deeply, her voice quivered when she continued. "…you managed to get under my skin, and then that night…your kiss was the first since Costia."

Clarke inhaled sharply at Lexa's words, slowly understanding the gravity of her mistake.

"When I kissed you back it meant more to me than just a kiss. It was like a new beginning. Costia was the last one getting this close to me, and she killed herself because I wasn't enough to fight for." Lexa paused, trying to control her sobs. "Do you get that her lips and the memory of them, have been replaced by yours?" Lexa cried, she had vividly memorized the feeling of Costia's lips and she had treasured the sensation for such a long time, that she felt a sense of loss now that Clarke had stolen it from her. "And you don't even want me." Lexa didn't want to say more, and the look on Clarke's face told her she didn't have to.

* * *

Ouch! Now all facts are out, let's see how our girls find a way back to each other. Cos I promised and I always keep my promises. See you all tomorrow.


	21. Twenty One

I apologise in advance, but the next few chapters are needed for Clarke to understand what Lexa could mean...

* * *

"Oh my god." Clarke shook her head in shock trying to comfort Lexa, but the other moved out of her reach. "I didn't mean to do that to you…" She whispered. "I didn't mean to give you the feeling you're not enough …" She trailed off, tears running down her face.

Lexa nodded, but chose to keep calm, fighting her own tears.

"And now I'm also not fighting for you." Clarke cried openly, desperately and violently.

Lexa swallowed her own pain at the display and leaned over to pad her softly on the shoulder. "We just weren't meant to be." She didn't believe her words, but at that moment it was the only thought in her head. She knew she'd somehow get over her. She'd managed with Costia; she would manage with Clarke. Somehow…

"No, I don't accept this." Clarke huffed. "I cannot fathom not having you in my life."

"Would it be any easier for you if I were your friend and something happened to me?" Lexa didn't want to open this box, but they were being honest in this moment.

"I…" Clarke shook her head. "No, I'd be just as devastated."

"It's probably better if we don't stay in contact."

"No please. I have to know you're doing ok."

"Clarke." She sighed and pushed the blonde out of her arms. "I'm only here for another two weeks anyway. After that I'll probably head back west. I'm currently securing new jobs. It'll be better." Lexa felt her heart breaking as she watched Clarke fall apart, but she had to protect her own. Clarke was the one who was too scared to fight for her. She needed to get away as quickly as possible. Lexa stood up and walked out of the door without looking back. She was about to fall apart too. Clarke wasn't brave enough and she wasn't…enough.

Lexa closed the door quietly and walked back to her truck, tears streaming down her face. She let them.

* * *

Raven had never thought Lexa would leave like that, but she understood why she had done it. If she really felt that much for Clarke, she'd had to save herself from a major heartbreak, if it was at all possible.

"She did what she needed to do." She tried. "You were annoyed she'd always put others first."

"I know." Clarke answered gravely, poking the food on her plate, shifting it back and forth. "She tried trusting me and I let her down. I smudged her memories and made her feel like shit."

"Maybe you should call your mum?" Raven said out of the blue.

Clarke stared at her in confusion at the change of subject. "Why would I?"

"Well for starters, she misses you." Raven said pointedly.

"Have you been talking to her?"

"She called to ask if you were ok."

Clarke remained calm.

"Secondly, your mum went through what you fear. She married a driver. Maybe she can explain how she coped with it while they were married? Maybe it would help?"

"You make a valid point." Clarke smiled weakly.

"Have you heard from Lexa at all?"

"She radioed in to wish me well and she thanked me for everything."

"What did you say?"

"I haven't answered. Her voice alone made me cry so much. Why am I like that? Why can't I just be like her and cross it off?" Clarke let her head fall into her hands.

"You think that's what she did?"

"She seems to be handling it well."

"I bet she's suffering just as much." Raven offered. "Talk to your mum."

* * *

Raven's always right, or? Let's get Clarke's mum involved. See you tomorrow.


	22. Twenty Two

Sometimes you have to work a little harder on yourself to get over things...

* * *

A week had passed. A week without talking to Lexa or hearing from her. Clarke had scanned the police news for any accidents in her vicinity to at least be sure she was ok. She itched to just pick up her microphone and call out to her, but at the end of the day she couldn't give Lexa what she wanted.

It was a week until Christmas. One week left and then she wouldn't even have the police news to make sure Lexa was ok, because the brunette would leave her area and go elsewhere.

She had arranged to have dinner with her mother this evening and Clarke had cooked her favourite, despite feeling more like crying than socialising.

She could count the times on one hand her mother and her had had dinner since her father had passed away. In the beginning it had been too strained to even be in the same room. Later on, it had become more of a nuisance to meet up than a need to see each other.

Now they were sat on opposite sides of the table, talking about the restaurant and Abby's private practice, when she eyed her daughter carefully.

"You don't look well baby." Clarke's mother stated after a moment of quiet. "Do you eat enough?"

She rolled her eyes at her mom's concern. "I'm grown up. I can take care of myself."

"I know that. I'm asking you if you do."

Clarke watched the worry on her mother's face and sighed. "I actually wanted to ask you something."

"Ok." She encouraged her by nodding.

"When you met dad, what made you start dating him?"

"Oh…" Abby looked at her daughter for a moment before answering the question. "His mannerisms, his kindness, his good looks, his optimism, his cleverness… I could go on like this for hours, honey. What is this about?"

Clarke ignored the question and poked further. "Where you not afraid of his job?"

"Not at first. We were young, the streets by far less occupied than nowadays and I'd never lost someone."

"When did you start to worry?"

"When you were born and he missed out on things. I started to get anxious whether he would miss out on more."

"Did you talk to him about it?"

"Yes, of course."

"Did he ever consider changing his job?"

"Yes."

"When?" Clarke asked in surprise.

"You had just started to walk and followed him around wherever he went. You were such a daddy's girl…" Abby's eyes glossed over at the memory. "He applied for jobs in town, but no one wanted a college dropout."

"How did you learn to cope with his profession?"

"He told me once that it didn't matter what he was doing. He could die anytime."

"I always thought he was more optimistic…" Clarke pondered.

"He was, but with this particular fear he was rather rational. He told me, he worried about you and I just as much. We could get killed in an accident just as likely as he could."

Clarke was quietly mulling over her dad's words.

"What is this about darling?" Abby tried again.

"I've met someone."

* * *

Some heart to heart conversation with mommy usually does the trick, or?


	23. Twenty Three

I know I haven't said that often, but I love and cherish every single comment, favourite, kudo and so on... I love you guys!

Having said that, this is the last shortish chapter. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and this story is soon coming to an end.

* * *

"You have?" Abby's voice brightened.

"Her name is Lexa…" Clarke said and Abby knew by the soft way the name was spoken, her daughter was very fond of the woman. "She's a driver just like dad." The conversation made much more sense now to the concerned mother.

"How did you guys meet? Patron in your restaurant?" She asked curiously.

Clarke blushed. "I was singing a song on the channel dad and I always used and she happened to hear it."

"That doesn't sound like a simple coincidence. Have you met her?"

Clarke nodded and a small smile played at her lips. "Mom, she's so beautiful."

"Oh…" Abby laughed softly. "That's how dad and I started out."

"We didn't start anything though…"

"Because you're afraid of what happened to your father would happen to her." Abby concluded out of their earlier conversation.

"It's likely." Clarke said, defending her fears.

"Sweetheart, I'm being bold now, but you can't wait for someone who'll always be safe, because you would wait forever. They don't exist. Anything can happen to anyone. You're only throwing away a chance at blissfulness, love, fulfilment, out of the fear you might lose them. The likelihood of dying in a car accident is statistically one in eight thousand. That is incredibly high. More people die of a stroke or heart attack." She paused studying Clarke's face. "The thing is, life is one-hundred percent lethal and you have to make the best out of it without stopping yourself due to fear or worry. Embrace what's being offered to you. Lexa could be someone very important. I mean you stumbled upon each other purely by coincidence. If she hadn't been on the channel, she wouldn't have heard you. I'd like to see the statistics for this." She caressed her daughter's hand on top of the table.

"Thanks mom." Clarke bit her lip.

"Have you told her any of this?"

"Yes, I explained it all to her."

"And?"

"She was very understanding, but she said she couldn't risk her business on an unpredictable future." Clarke left out their kiss and how she had made Lexa feel. She had a hard time thinking about it without being disgusted even more by her own behaviour. She desperately wanted to make up for it, but she didn't know how to move on.

"She's right." Abby nodded. "Sweetheart, if you like her fight your fears."

"How?"

"By recognising that your fear is normal. Assure yourself that it's okay to be afraid or sad. These are normal responses to the situation." Abby gently stroked her hand over her daughter's. "You fear the unknown. You're thinking about the future and what might happen because it happened to your dad. Instead, you should try to focus on the here-and-now. On how happy you could be with Lexa, if that's what you want. You should fixate on what you can do with this moment; this chance life's presented you with. Enjoy it, relish in it, and savour the small things. Take charge of what is happening right now and stop worrying about if's."

Clarke had listened closely to her mother's advice. She really wanted to try to convert it into reality; she just didn't know if she could.

"Baby, I know you're strong, and you need to accept the loss of your father. Death is part of life."

"Lexa made me voice my anger at him for leaving me. It helped. I know dad's not coming back and I think I'm finally capable of letting go, but what if that happens to Lexa? I can't do this again."

"You may lose her sweetheart, but at least, right now, you get to spend time with her. Focus on that and be grateful for it. Be thankful for each moment you get to spend with her. Life is funny. You don't know where your stop is. Embrace life." Abby watched the emotions unfold on Clarke's face, before she whispered. "Do you think I wouldn't have wanted to be with your father if I had known he'd die so soon?"

Clarke just looked at her with big eyes.

"Honey, we might not have felt the same love for each other when it had happened, but I would marry your father again any time. I wouldn't want to miss out on any of the experiences him and I shared." She caressed Clarke's cheek. "I wouldn't want to miss a thing." She repeated and silence took over the calm house. Clarke's mind went a million miles at once and her heart was beating crazily.

"Dad always said I should never settle for just surviving." She croaked out hoarsely.

"Do you know what he meant by that?"

"Well…" Clarke furrowed her brow. "Live to the fullest, I guess. With mistakes and errors and fuck-ups, but also full-in, no holding back."

"Stop holding back if Lexa is who you want."

"You'd like her."

"Invite her for Christmas."

"I might."

* * *

What will Clarke do? Will she reach out? Will Lexa answer? What will Clarke have to do in order for Lexa to return? Stay tuned, it WILL BE revealed tomorrow! Promise!


	24. Twenty Four

Updating already as I'll be busy with eating and drinking soon and I'm unsure if I'll be able ti find my laptop later to publish. ;)

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or just have a nice evening wherever you are, whatever you do. Stay safe!

* * *

Lexa had been working her ass off over the past days. She had accepted another job, which kept her busy at night too, once she had finished her last drop to the construction site. She'd only stopped when she'd needed to sleep, but she'd kept the resting time as short as possible. Every time she'd closed her eyes she'd see Clarke on her couch, small and crying and begging her to remain friends. The more time had passed since their talk, the more begging Lexa would dream into the situation, to a point where she'd wake up and scream for Clarke to stop breaking her heart.

She would stay more nights out of range of the channel to not tempt herself to reach out. She had to be strong, but she was so weak. She didn't want to fight anymore, she just wanted to have an easy life. It didn't help that she hadn't been able to get any business deals after Christmas. Companies shut down for the holidays; construction sites stopped working due to weather limitations. She felt stuck and she knew she needed a change. She couldn't keep on living from one day to another. It had occurred to her, more than once, that if she decided to settle somewhere she could try to go back to Clarke and mend their broken connection, but she couldn't trust Clarke wouldn't push her away again. She couldn't trust her not to shy away from her if life got too difficult or missing her father got too much.

She just had no idea what to do and where to go.

It was late on the night before Christmas and Lexa had been to a small restaurant and had enjoyed a warm dinner. She was back in her truck and driving to her old resting spot. She hadn't been there for a while. She knew she had been avoiding it because it was within channel five radius, but she needed to come back for old times' sake. She wanted to bask in the memories of the nights she had spent talking about nothing with Clarke. How she had been happy and carefree, before the blonde had managed to open her old wounds of being insufficient and not worthy enough to take a risk on.

Because it was the night before Christmas, Lexa gave up on being strong and switched on the channel to wish Clarke a Merry Christmas Eve.

She didn't expect to hear her almost as soon as she locked the station. It sounded like Clarke was doing a monologue of sorts and Lexa just leaned back and listened.

" _These were the worst twelve months of my life. If you have known my dad you know he died a year ago. I really had a hard time accepting he wouldn't come back to me, but I recently learned in order to heal you need to let go. I was angry that he left me alone. He had promised to always come back and I should have called him out, but I believed his lie. He shouldn't have promised me something out of his control. I learned that once I did call him out, I felt better for letting go of the anger and pain. I feel better. After a year of just surviving, I've finally started to move on. You might ask what's brought this along? Well, I've met someone on this channel."_

Lexa sat up and stared at the radio. Clarke was talking about her.

" _I met her under the weirdest circumstances when I sang a song to my father. She was kind and understanding, but she also confronted me about my withheld anger. She saw me."_

Clarke sighed and Lexa smiled weakly.

" _I screwed up and made her lose trust in everyone. I shouldn't have let her go."_ Clarke continued after a moment and Lexa contemplated switching off. She couldn't listen to her being upset about their story. Lexa had convinced herself that Clarke was better off without her, and she better without the blonde. She'd only bring heartbreak and suffering. She didn't move though, and Clarke went on unaware of her silent listener.

" _She told me we weren't meant to be and I really tried hard to believe her, but I can't. It felt right from the moment she responded to my transmission to our first meeting…to our last. I was too scared to see that she is it for me, and I let her go. I was too afraid of appreciating what she could offer in the present and too worried what the future could bring, that I didn't fight for her and made her feel like she wasn't enough. She's everything to me. If at all, I'm not enough for her. She's the kindest person and a real miracle after what she's been through."_ Clarke sighed again, it was obvious the words were hard for her to articulate, and Lexa thought this was it, when Clarke continued. _"I realise this now and its Christmas so I'm trying one last time to take charge of my life and hope she's listening. I hope it's not too late to make her feel wanted and appreciated in the way she should have from the start. If you have been on here for the past few days, you know what's coming and I'm sorry. I promise this is the last time."_

Clarke words didn't make sense to Lexa and she mulled them over, when a guitar started playing and Clarke's voice filled her cabin once more.

" _Well, baby you know what I've been through and I shouldn't have let you see me upset and blue. I'm not that wise, didn't keep it inside, caused you pain and pushed you away, set you back on your tracks. Now I can't relax so I take a walk outside and I look at the world through my sad eyes._

Lexa stared hard at the radio as if she was willing it to stop playing with her heart. 'This can't be true.'

 _I should've called you, but I was too scared to tell you, that I need you, by my side. I need you, by my side."_

The melody took over and Lexa couldn't believe what Clarke was telling her. 'Does she want me the way I want her? Is she trying to tell me, that she wants to give us a chance?'

" _Now don't get me wrong, I'm not always sad. I read your favourites and play guitar in bed. Watch the movies you've got no clue about. This house I keep cleaning, but baby I'm grieving for our lost story."_

Lexa slowly climbed into her driver's seat.

" _I can't shake the way I feel inside. I'm willing to outgrow my fears; I want to try."_

She turned the key and the motor sprang alive.

" _You know you brightened up my day, when you called out for me and talked the night away."_

She was stunned at the declaration, couldn't move or reach out to the microphone.

 _I need you by my side. I said I like you. Yes I do do do. I love you. Yes I, I guess I do do do."_

Lexa just sat there and blinked and mulled the words over and slowly a smile appeared on her pain ridden face and she shook herself out of the trance of Clarke's voice.

She had long stopped transmitting. She had sung her song at least five times in the last week. Every day at the same time. Shortly past eleven, when she knew, Lexa knew, she would be home and could reach out to her. She had gotten no feedback and after tonight she would stop trying, as Lexa's reason for being in the region had finished. Clarke knew Lexa would drive away in pursuit of a new job offer any day now.

She had no idea what to do with herself. She had poured her soul into overcoming her fears, had talked with a professional after she had spoken to her mom, and had finally accepted that she needed Lexa more than her fears could hold her back. However, the brunette hadn't tried to contact her. She understood why though. She felt Lexa's pain. Clarke couldn't feel anything but the pain. She sat on her couch and stared at her Christmas tree. She had left the lights on the whole night in case Lexa came by, so she'd know she was home.

She exhaled slowly. It was hard to face the fact that she needed to give up. She knew she had to thank Lexa for getting over her deep-rooted anger and the push to let go. She was thankful, but the disappointment of her mistake killed her gratefulness. Clarke stood up and walked over to her fire place, when she saw lights approaching her house. It was unusual and she followed the vehicle with her eyes. Her surprise was huge when it stopped in front of her house. 'Was it possible that Lexa had heard her,' she dared to think and walked towards her door and stood staring at it, when she heard the knocks.

She didn't hesitate and pulled it open to reveal Lexa on her doorstep with a big grin on her face and a piece of paper in her hand.

"What do you…" Clarke started, but Lexa stopped her with a gesture.

"Did you mean what you said earlier?"

"Every word."

"Will you stay with me even if I had to drive to earn money?"

"Always."

She smiled and Clarke stepped back to let her in. "Good." She lifted her hand holding the paper. "Do you need a cook?" Clarke glanced down and made out the letters 'CV' on top of the page and her eyes widened.

"What?" She breathed out almost comically.

Lexa laughed and stepped closer before leaning in, stopping an inch away from Clarke's face. "Because I love you too." She said and closed the gap and sealed their lips together. Clarke moaned breathlessly and pulled her impossibly nearer. When the need for air got overwhelmingly strong, they separated but kept their foreheads connected, harshly breathing each other in. After a while, Clarke pulled her into her living room where the glow of the tree lights and the crackle of the small fire enveloped them in warmth and safety. She pulled Lexa on top her, when she let herself fall onto the couch.

"Have you…" Clarke managed before a soft tongue licked between her words into her mouth and turned her into a mass of need and want.

"Ssssh." Lexa whispered and her hand found its way under Clarke's sweater. Any communication was replaced by sighs and moans with soft, explorative touches.

"I love you."

"I'm in love with you."

They basked in the afterglow, naked and spent. Lexa caressed Clarke's face, moving a lithe careful finger along warm, soft features and her eyes held a monologue of how much she really felt for Clarke, who had never felt so loved in her entire life.

"You are my guardian angel." She whispered and took the hand on her face between hers and kissed it.

Lexa whispered back just as gentle and soft. "I'm home with you."

* * *

I hope it was worth all the frustration and short chapters to come to this finish. One more chapter tomorrow because I can...


	25. Twenty Five

I forgot to credit Eliza Taylor herself in the previous chapter. I used her original song and adapted it to the story. However, credit to whom credit belongs.

Now, this chapter is a time jump. Hope you enjoy the officially final chapter.

Merry Christmas once more.

* * *

Christmas Day a year later

Lexa was busy preparing breakfast when she heard Clarke skipping downstairs and seconds later sneaking her arms around her. The blonde pressed her nose against Lexa shoulder blade and left soft kisses at the exposed skin. She shifted her around for a proper hug.

"Morning baby." Lexa whispered against rose lips and took them softly between her own.

"Mmmm…"

"Merry Christmas and happy first anniversary." Lexa breathed against the sensitive skin of Clarke's neck.

"Happy anniversary too." She husked with a sleepy voice and cuddled further into Lexa's embrace. "What'cha doing?" She mumbled against her chest.

"Breakfast..." Lexa said in an amused tone. "What did you think I was doing? Planning a vacation?"

Clarke slapped Lexa's butt playfully watching her pick up the task she had stopped doing. She stirred the batter to smooth out any clumps.

"Pancakes?" Clarke looked at Lexa and her eyes lit up and the brunette felt her heart skipping a beat at the sight.

"You are so beautiful." She said barely above a whisper, eyes full of adoration and love, in lieu of answering the question.

"You are." Clarke hummed. "I love you."

"I love you too." Lexa sighed and kissed her playfully, before pushing her towards the kitchen counter.

"So, when are we invited at my mom's?" The blonde flopped down on her a chair at the bar and watched Lexa preparing the food.

"Around six." She answered distractedly and Clarke nodded. She observed the brunette with a small smile on her face and a wave of nostalgia dragged her into their past.

* * *

 _One year ago_

 _They had stayed up till late to talk, but all they'd done after they'd explored each other thoroughly and exhaustingly had been cuddling until they had fallen asleep._

 _Lexa woke up a few hours later and she sighed softly at the feeling of Clarke pressed against her. When she opened her eyes she was surprised to see blue sparkling ones fixed on her face._

" _Good morning." She rasped._

" _I love you." Clarke replied without missing a heartbeat._

" _So this wasn't a dream?" Lexa asked with a big grin._

" _Well, it was like a dream coming true…" She leaned in and kissed her softly. "… But I guarantee you haven't imagined anything." She winked._

" _Thank god. I'd be devastated." Lexa smiled._

" _Yeah?"_

" _Yes, can you imagine my disappointment to find out I hadn't been able to do this?" She captured Clarke's bottom lip between her teeth and gently bit down, eliciting a quiet moan from the blonde._

" _Or this…" She trailed off whilst her hand sneaked under the blanket to wander over the expanse of Clarke's naked body from her throat over a breast along her belly button between her legs._

" _Oh god…mmmmm." It was all she could articulate when the slim finger caressed her deliciously with precision. "Fuck…"_

" _Yes… imagine I had dreamed this." She grinned, but after a second started to move in earnest. "You are unbelievably beautiful." She sighed when she took a nipple into her mouth._

" _Well…" Clarke breathed out. "Whatever… you think… you remember… oh my god… has happened… shit…"_

" _I can't be any good if you can still hold a monologue." Lexa laughed and vanished under the blanket and finished what she had slowly started building. She stayed there for a little longer; head resting on one thigh, breathing in the addictive scent of her, whilst letting Clarke slowly regain a normal heartbeat._

" _Come here." The blonde urged her after a while, and Lexa settled on top of her. "We said we needed to talk."_

" _You want to talk now?" Lexa raised an eyebrow._

 _Clarke nodded. "Unless you want me…" She said with a wicked smile on her face, shifting Lexa slightly to gain more access._

" _I need you." Lexa said bluntly and her eyes rolled back into her head when she felt Clarke's fingers entering her gently._

" _I can tell." The blonde husked, but didn't tease, and it was the most intense exchange of feelings she had ever experienced. She poured her love, affection, attraction, want, need and lust into loving Lexa and the brunette soaked and bathed in them._

 _They stared at each other after both felt spent and satisfied for the moment._

" _I can't believe I'm here." Lexa rasped emotionally._

" _I can't believe it either." Clarke answered honestly. "What made you change your mind?"_

* * *

"Clarke?"

The blonde jumped a little at feeling a hand on her own. "What?" She asked in confusion.

"I asked if you wanted banana in your pancakes?" Lexa smiled, when Clarke nodded. "Where did you just go?"

Clarke smiled shyly. "Do you remember Christmas Day a year ago?"

"Of course." Lexa laughed softly. "How could I ever forget it?"

"Well, it's been a year."

"So?"

"Do you recall your reply to what changed your mind?"

"You and your song." Lexa stated simply, walking over and kissing her. "I also remember wanting to talk about soulmates and destiny and fate and all the big expressions and beliefs, but I thought it was too early for any of that."

"I know you wanted to, I saw it in your eyes." Clarke smiled, intertwining their hands, keeping her close and basking in the shared memories.

* * *

" _I'm sorry I was scared." Clarke started, but was stopped by a gentle finger on her lips._

" _I know you were and truth is I still am." Lexa admitted quietly._

" _Why?" Clarke whispered worriedly._

" _Same answer; because of you." Lexa smiled shyly. "You have filled the emptiness in me and I'm scared you'll take it all back."_

" _I promise I won't. Be mine, please." Clarke waited for a reaction but was met with surprised eyes. "I didn't mean give up your life and be my possession." She quickly clarified. "Be my girlfriend, my partner, my home, my constant, my lover…" She trailed off at seeing Lexa's smile grow with each term of togetherness._

" _I wasn't aware we had to make it so official." She grinned. "I thought by confessing my love for you this was a given…" She winked at Clarke's blush. "… my love." She didn't wait for an answer; she just leaned down and kissed her passionately._

" _Mm." The blonde moaned. "Perfect then."_

* * *

"Are you still scared?" Clarke whispered.

"No. You're still with me and we're great together." Lexa answered with a smile. "You make me happy every day." She kissed her on the cheek and went back to the oven to continue cooking. "What about you?" She asked without looking at her.

"You make me happy too."

"Are **you** still scared?"

* * *

" _Can we talk?" Clarke asked her a little while later. They had put on some clothes and were cuddled into each other, watching the fire, despite it being bright daylight outside._

" _Yeah." Lexa looked down at the blonde in her arms._

" _What did you mean last night when you asked if I needed a cook?"_

 _Lexa raised an eyebrow. "Um, exactly that." She grinned at Clarke's confusion. "Ok… well I did some thinking over the past few days." She started her explanation taking one of the blonde's hands into hers, playing with her fingers. "I've been uprooted and on the run for a really long time now. It's not that I'm tired of driving. I love it to be honest and would probably miss it, but I want a home again. I want a place where I belong." She said with a shy voice. "So I wondered if you could use some help in the kitchen. I promise I'm not even half bad."_

 _Clarke welled up at that. "Lexa, you can't change your life for me. I won't allow this unless you really want it for your sake. I don't want you to turn around in a few years and blame me for throwing away your business."_

" _First of all…" Lexa kissed her. "And secondly, I'm not throwing away anything. I want this. I want you."_

 _Clarke smiled and sighed contently. "Ok, but how good are you at cooking?"_

" _On a scale of one to ten?"_

" _In comparison to your bedroom skills." Clarke grinned. "What?" She laughingly asked at Lexa's scandalized expression. "It's the only skill I can relate your answer to."_

" _Fair enough." Lexa shrugged with a bright smile. "I'm great at both." She winked and wriggled her eyebrows. "What do you say, I go and prepare something and you decide?"_

" _Sounds like a plan. Do you have to get up though?"_

" _Unless you have a fully equipped kitchen under your couch, I fear I have to."_

 _Clarke shook her head and pouted when Lexa stood up._

" _I'll be back soon, baby." The brunette stopped in her tracks and eyed her. "Question, terms of endearment: Yay or Nay?"_

" _Big yay if they come from you."_

* * *

"No, I'm not scared as much. You're not on the road anymore." Clarke answered honestly.

"Change in progress." Lexa nodded.

"Are you still happy with how your life transformed?" The blonde worried her lower lip between her teeth and eyed her girlfriend warily.

* * *

 _The breakfast was impressive considering Clarke didn't bother to fill her fridge with much, as she hadn't planned on being home over Christmas; she had invited herself to her mother's on Christmas Day and Raven's on Boxing Day._

 _Despite the limited choices, Lexa produced a delicious breakfast._

" _Just imagine what I could do with a whole range of foods." The brunette teased._

" _Ok alright, I get it. You're a great hobby cook." Clarke teased back. "Why do you want to do this?" She asked after a moment in a more serious voice._

" _I want us to have a chance." Lexa answered. "If I'm on the road all the time we won't have that."_

" _It worked for my parents. I'll do anything to make it work for us too." Clarke said sincerely. She was serious about this._

 _Lexa smiled at her, but shook her head. "I love you and I really appreciate what you're trying here, but I've made up my mind." She shook her head at Clarke who had opened her mouth in protest. "No seriously, this is my life and I've decided."_

" _I have no say in it?"_

" _Is this a trick question?"_

* * *

"Are you still worried I'll hold you responsible for the changes?" Lexa replied questioningly seeing Clarke's expression.

"Sometimes." She answered quietly.

"I'm happy baby." Lexa cooed and took her into her arms. "Stop worrying." She added and kissed her on the cheek. "You were so complicated a year ago." She laughed at the memory.

"I just wanted to make sure you were one hundred percent ok with it. I mean, we had just gotten together and you wanted to sell your truck."

"I never said I would sell my truck."

"Clearly not." Clarke grinned, knowing the vehicle was parked at the restaurant.

"We found common ground back then thanks to your mom." Lexa pushed a plate in front of her girlfriend and settled vis-à-vis of her. "You remember that?"

Clarke only smiled and nodded as she took a first bite of the pancakes, closing her eyes in enjoyment.

* * *

" _Merry Christmas, Mrs Griffin." Lexa greeted politely after she had helped Clarke out of her own car, which they had taken instead of the truck. Lexa had insisted on driving and Clarke was more than happy to let her. Chivalrous Lexa was a sight to behold._

" _I believe we'll see each other more often in the future, so please call me Abby." Lexa blushed, but nodded. "Merry Christmas, both of you." The older Griffin added a moment later and hugged her daughter._

 _It was the first Christmas dinner since she had left the system. She was used to ready meals and delivery food. Lexa basked in the warmth provided by the Griffin women. 'Family', Lexa thought more than once with a smile._

" _I believe I have to thank you for convincing Clarke to give us a chance?" She asked when they'd settled on the couch with mulled wine and hot chocolate._

" _She just needed a little push." Abby smiled at her daughter. "Not much persuasion."_

" _Thanks mom." Clarke was genuinely grateful for her mother's support. "I know we've had our differences, but I'm glad I've got you in my corner." She smiled._

" _I love you darling." Abby paused and sipped her tea. "So, how are you going to make this work?" She hadn't been able to talk to Clarke since their dinner the previous week, but her daughter had messaged earlier in the day to inform her she would be bringing Lexa, her girlfriend, along._

" _Lexa wants to quit and work in my restaurant, but I want her to do what makes her happy." Clarke explained their situation. "She's happy being a driver." She added. "I'm working on being ok with this."_

" _Lexa's right here." The brunette mumbled. "If I had known it bothered you so much -"_

" _Not bothering." Clarke interrupted. "I just worry you're only doing this for me."_

" _Darling." Abby spoke up. "If your father had been able to offer this, I'd have taken it in a heartbeat, although I knew he only would have done it for you and me. He didn't get the chance, but I know he would have been happy doing it. I think you and I need to believe that Lexa is happily offering this."_

" _Lexa is." The brunette joked again, unaccustomed to be addressed in third person when she was sitting right next to them. "Thanks Abby." She added sincerely._

" _I just still hear your words." Clarke defended her position looking at Lexa. "You said you can't throw away your business on a possibility."_

" _This isn't a possibility anymore. This is a certainty. All I wanted was you to be serious about us."_

* * *

"Ah, yes she did get me to accept your decision." Clarke mumbled mouth full of syrup and pancake.

"Funny, I remember it took you another week to come to terms with it though."

"Oh, shut up." Clarke blushed. "Was it New Year's Eve when we agreed you'd work two days with me and three days as a driver?" Clarke mused.

"Yup."

"Well, well. Didn't take you long to change that as well."

"It wasn't my fault. I just wanted to spend more time with the most beautiful girl in the world."

"Charmer."

* * *

 _The winter had passed quickly and before Lexa had realised she was swamped with work and bathed in sweat._

" _Babe, you can focus on your own business for a bit. I'll cope without you for a few weeks." Clarke offered again one evening. Lexa had just gotten home after a long day on the road and sighed._

" _I don't want to let you down, and I love working at the Ark."_

" _I know you do."_

" _Can I propose something and you promise to genuinely think about it?" Lexa asked carefully._

" _You can propose any day." Clarke winked when Lexa blushed._

" _I'm talking business proposal." The brunette clarified with an awkward smile._

" _I know. Tell me."_

" _What would you think if I changed the nature of my deliveries?"_

" _Explain." Clarke was in business mode and Lexa appreciated it and went on._

" _So, I was thinking, instead of you having to pay a company to deliver your food from the production site to the restaurant, I could do that. We could buy a chilled container, decorate it with the logo of the Ark and make advertisement for free. I could still drive, I wouldn't have to hunt for jobs, and I would be with you on a daily basis and help at the diner."_

* * *

"Well, it's been a very good and quite profitable solution." Clarke smiled and stole a bite of Lexa's pancakes.

"I know. It was a brilliant idea." Lexa slapped her hand playfully.

"You are brilliant."

"Just a business deal gone right."

"No Lex, I mean it. You're awesome. How do you do that?"

"Truth?"

Clarke nodded.

"You give my wings the room to spread and you offer me a place to rest at the same time."

They smiled at each other, sharing their love without words.

It had always been easy for Lexa to get going and move on with the task at hand, because she had never been offered another perspective. Until Clarke had happened; until the blonde had pushed her out of her self-made cosiness and had shown her, her real comfort zone.

"I fucking love you, you know that?" Lexa grinned.

"I love fucking you, you know THAT?" Clarke countered smoothly with a wink.

"Mm." Lexa pretended to think. "Why don't you and I…" She stood up and sauntered around the breakfast bar holding out her hand for Clarke. "… go and see what might be under the tree to unwrap?"

"If what you mean by 'unwrap' is 'undress', then I'm all yours." The blonde pulled at her hand and Lexa ended up between her legs.

"You got my drift." She replied before sinking into the delicious frame that was Clarke's body.

* * *

That was it. My advent story for 2016. I hope in the end you guys liked it. I've heard your complaints about the length of the chapters. If I do it again, I'll keep it in mind.

However, this is now and not future and I might have one more chapter up my sleeve. Curious? Well stay subscribed to the story. Cheers and happy holidays. J


	26. Thirty One

As promised, here's the absolute final chapter to this you enjoy the ending. I couldn't resist...

* * *

Two years later – New Year's Eve

Lexa is nervously biting her nails. She's planned today excessively and hopes it'll be perfect. She isn't worried for the outcome. She is fairly certain she knows how Clarke will react, but she's unsure if the way she's chosen to do it, is what her girlfriend likes. They haven't really talked about it, their lives were too busy, but Lexa doesn't want to wait and prod her to learn what her fantasy is. It has been pushed into motion with everyone involved hopefully knowing their tasks.

Her phone rings and stirs her effectively out of the trance-like state she is in. 'Let's get the show started,' Lexa thinks after she fumbled for her mobile and sees her girlfriend's name on the screen. "Hey babe." She greets cheerily, her heart is beating quicker at what she is about to do.

"Lex? Where are you? We have to be at Raven's in half an hour." Clarke informs her with an impatient voice.

"Yeah um, I won't be there on time." She lies, crossing her fingers behind her back.

"What do you mean? Where the hell are you?"

"I'm stuck."

"Why?"

"The car broke down."

"Why didn't you call earlier?"

"It just happened."

"Where are you? I'll come and get you."

"I took your car."

She hears Clarke sighing and hopes once more she's doing the right thing.

"Hang on, Raven's calling on the landline." She says to Lexa and picks up the house phone. "Hey Ray."

"Yes, um, Lexa offered to store some champagne in your fridge to cheer the new year." Raven says without a greeting, sounding out of breath and in a hurry. Lexa smiles at the improvised acting talent of their friend. "I just called to remind you to bring it along."

"Ok. Hold on." Clarke answers and walks over to the fridge. "Lex, where did you put the champagne?" She asks into the mobile in her other hand when she couldn't find it.

"I've put them in the garage." Lexa explains.

"Ok. Hey Ray. Can you give me a lift? Lexa is stuck somewhere and needs to be picked up. The car isn't working. If we take the bottles with us, we can go to yours straight away."

Lexa grins. Crucial step one has been taken. Thank god for Clarke's strategic but predictable brain.

"Yeah sure." Raven confirms with a smile. "Be there in ten."

If Clarke is suspicious why the host of this year's New Year's Eve party has time to come around spontaneously, she doesn't voice it. She hangs up and focuses on her girlfriend once more. "So, care to tell me where you are?"

"I'm at the service station ten miles south of Rockfield." Lexa closes her eyes and prays Clarke won't ask what she is doing there.

"Ok. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I'm sorry babe."

"Don't be. Not your fault the car decides to break down today." Clarke exhales once more. "I should've had it checked."

"I know. Bad timing." Lexa says and offers to take it into the garage the next working day.

"Yeah, be better. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Ok. Love you." Lexa breathes.

"Love you too." Clarke hangs up and Lexa walks back to the car, which functions impeccably, to get going. She has to prepare the last part of her plan.

* * *

"I don't even know what she's doing out there?" Clarke huffs in annoyance.

"You didn't ask her?" Raven tries hard not to laugh. She knows Lexa has worried the blonde would ask her, but she seems to have forgotten.

"No. Damnit. I'm so sorry. I hope we're back in time for the party. I'll help you set everything up as soon as we're back."

"Don't sweat it. It's almost done."

"Slow down. The exit is coming up." Clarke instructs; a hand motion accompanies her words. Raven leaves the highway and drives to where Lexa has told her to and parks the car.

"I can't see the car." Clarke opens the door and steps out. "Or her… Do you see her?"

"No I don't." Raven leaves her car grinning and joins Clarke. "What's that?" She squinted at the nearby bench.

"I don't care. Someone has forgotten something. Where the hell is she?" Clarke doesn't look up, already searching her bag for her cell phone, whilst Raven walks off towards the seats, hoping her friend would follow her at some point.

"She isn't picking up the phone." Clarke says angrily as she stops behind Raven glaring at her mobile.

"Hey." The brunette pointed to the letter, held down by a stone. "Um, it has your name on it."

"What?" Clarke whips around so quickly Raven stumbles back a little. "How?" She looks down on the table and reads her name in big bold letters. "What?" She repeats flabbergasted.

"Open it?"

Clarke looks around for signs of a joke, but she can't see any. "Do you think Lexa left it?"

"She did say she was here, didn't she?" Raven points out, hiding her grin. "Open it." She says once more.

With shaking hands Clarke grabs the envelope, tears it open and finds a note, recognising the handwriting immediately.

 _Clarke,_

 _I know you are utterly confused at the moment, but this ordeal will make sense soon. You might have realised by now, I'm not here anymore. Just to take the pressure off of you – the car is fine. Don't worry, but do you know where you are?_

 _Look around. I have described the place to you more than two years ago._

Clarke looks up and takes in her surroundings for the first time. She sees the diner in the distance and remembers Lexa telling her about it.

"This is where Lexa stayed the night when she first heard me singing on the radio." Clarke whispers to Raven who nods.

 _Exactly, this is where you mesmerized me with your heartbreakingly beautiful lyrics. It is the beginning of us and the start of me saying thank you for everything._

"What does she mean the start?" Clarke looks at her friend who shrugs and motions for her to read on. "Don't ask Raven, she won't tell you." The blonde reads out loud. "What is she talking about?" Clarke huffs, but reads the last lines.

 _Throw away your scepticism and come with me on a ride into our past. Here's your clue for the next stop._

' _It was a warm night full of surprise, when I, for the first time ever, looked into your eyes.'_

 _I hope you'll like it. I'll see you soon. I love you. Lexa_

"Is this a treasure hunt?" Clarke looks for an answer to Raven, who simply nods with a grin, before asking. "Where do you think she wants us to go next?"

"Um, wait." Clarke reads the hint again and smiles. "To the Ark?" She looks up and bites her lips in apprehension. "Right?"

"If you say so. I don't know." Raven shrugs with an apologetic half smile.

"Sure you don't." Clarke says sceptically.

They walk back to the car and return to Rockfield where they arrive a few minutes later. Clarke walks into her restaurant and looks around, a little lost at what to do next. "And now?" She turns to one of her waitresses. "Hey Sophie, has Lexa left something here for me?"

The woman smiles at hearing her name and walks closer. "Lexa said you'd know where to look."

Clarke takes out the slip of paper and reads it once more. "Oh." She exclaims a second later and darts past the rows of tables to the one where Lexa had sat that night. Sure enough, she finds another letter.

 _Well done baby.  
You are, where I lost my heart to you. One look into your beautiful eyes and I was a goner._

 _Do you remember the night? You stopped at the table to greet me, and as soon as I heard your voice I knew who you were. I considered, for a nanosecond, to pretend to be mute so I could study you without you knowing who I was. History went differently though and I'm incredibly happy it did._

Clarke laughs and turns to Raven. "Do you remember that night Lexa stopped by the first time?"

"Yeah, smooth you had told her to come over."

"I did no such thing. I merely advertised the place." Clarke blushes.

"So?" Raven points to the letter and the blonde continues reading.

 _Your next stop was my first sanctuary in a very long time. We have made quite a few memories there, which I treasure and keep safe. I'm sure you know where to go?_

"Um, no I'm not sure." She muses over Lexa's question.

"What do you think she means?" Sophie asks having followed her boss as per Lexa's instruction.

"The old house?" Clarke guesses, tilting her head to the left, studying the note. "I too have some things I'm fond of remembering when thinking of the place."

"You settled on your old house?" Sophie clarifies and the blonde nods. "Very well." She then hands her a key. "The new owners are out tonight. Lexa said, you should lock the door once you're done and drop the key through the post slot."

"Kelly is in this as well?" Clarke's mouth drops open in disbelief. They had bonded with the woman who had bought the house and formed a close friendship throughout the few months since the move.

"I don't know. I'm just saying what Lexa told me to say." Sophie relates and pushes the key into the baffled woman's hand.

"This is crazy. Why did she go through all this trouble? A kiss and a thank you would have been enough. I have to thank her just as much." Clarke murmurs on her way out, missing the exchanged thumbs up between Raven and Sophie. They made their way quickly over to the small house and Clarke tentatively opened the front door and stepped inside, spotting a letter on the little unit in the entrance hall.

 _Welcome in our old home. Although, we both decided to move elsewhere, this house has a special place in my heart. Do you remember what happened at the exact spot you're standing in at the moment?_

Clarke blushes and shyly looks over her shoulder at Raven who can't hide her phone quickly enough. "What are you doing?" She lowers her hand onto her hips. "Have you been taping this the whole time?" She asks accusingly.

"Read on princess and ignore me." Raven lifts her mobile up again, filming a scowling Clarke. "Come on Clarkey, we don't have all night. I have a party to host." She pushes her on.

 _We kissed for the first time and you blew my mind. I knew I had fallen in love with you, but this kiss, made it true and sealed the deal deeper than I could have imagined. I had never felt anything as remotely intense before you and I. You are my soulmate, Clarke._

She smiles at the last words. She had said them to Lexa that night.

 _Your next stop is really, really, close by. Think about what happened next and you should know where to go._

"Oh my god." Clarke grins. "We kissed here and had sex in the living room the same night." She exclaims, having forgotten the camera trained at her face.

"TMI Clarke, but go ahead." Raven laughs behind the lens.

They walk into the next room and a letter sat teasingly on Kelly's couch. She picks it up still grinning at the memory.

 _That was a short journey, but that night wasn't. My god… I'm still positively reeling from the memory, although we had plenty of repeats. ;-)_

Clarke laughs out loud and nods along.

 _You are the most beautiful, alluring, ravishing and magnificent woman I've ever laid my eyes on and I'm beyond humbled and touched to be able to call you mine. You refilled emptiness in my heart and as promised you never took it away from me. You are my everything._

Clarke wipes a stray tear away and smiles softly at Lexa's words.

 _So your next stop brings you even further back into the past. Good and bad memories are linked to there. We had our first official appearance as a couple at that place. Where do I want you to go now?_

"I know it Ray." She faces the other woman rolling her eyes at seeing the mobile still pointing at her. "Stop it. You're annoying." She scowls. "Take me to my mom's house."

"Your wish is my command."

* * *

She knocks at her mother's door with giddiness.

"Hey Clarke." She opens the door with a big grin.

"So." Her daughter starts. "Apparently everyone close to me has been involved in Lexa's game, I'm sure you know why I'm here?"

"I do. Come in. Hi Raven."

"Where is it mom?"

"Well, I'm not making it that easy. Think of the night and you should know."

Clarke scratches her head in thought. "We had dinner and then settled on the couch." She looks at her mother with squinted eyes. "Is it at one of the two?"

"Maybe…"

Clarke walks into the kitchen and finds it empty. She huffs and turns to the living room. She remembers they had shared her mother's loveseat and she inches closer to it and smiles when she sees the envelope.

 _Well done. This is the spot my life changed significantly for the better. Your mom and I made you understand that love is enough to move on from something that has been working so far. Love is enough to start over. Love is enough to be the driving force to explore new paths._

 _I'm incredibly thankful to Abby for her unwavering support without even knowing me. She told me a couple of months ago, she had been convinced you and I were meant to be together, after learning of how we met._

Clarke looks at her mother. "Do you know what she has written?"

"Of course not. It's not for me."

Clarke reads it out loud and Abby puts one hand over her heart and sighs moved by the words. "She's the best." She says.

"She is." Clarke subconsciously caresses the words on the paper.

"Alright Griffin one and two. Get it together, we have a party to attend to." Raven interrupts the silence.

"Shut up, Ray." Clarke growls. "This is more exciting than any party." She says, and reads on.

 _Give your mom a kiss on the cheek from me and get going to where I took you on our first official date._

"She wants me to go to the cinema." The blonde says and walks towards her mother and delivers the kiss. "From Lexa." She says then kisses her mom's other cheek. "From me." She smiles. "I'll see you at Raven's."

"Yes darling. See you later."

* * *

"Do you remember which movie you watched?" Raven asks her, camera fixed once more on Clarke.

"Um, I didn't really pay much attention to the movie." The blonde says, grinning naughtily.

"Fair enough."

"I think it was called 'The book of love' or something." She mused.

A few moments later an employee approaches them. "Excuse me?" Clarke looks at her questioningly. "Are you Ms Griffin?"

"Yes."

Upon the positive reply the woman hands her another envelope and retreats again.

 _You probably won't believe it, but I was very nervous on our first date. A healthy and strong relationship isn't built only on sexual compatibility. Communication is just as important and I worried we wouldn't find topics to talk about, but you proved me wrong. Even in a place where one isn't supposed to talk, we found plenty of things to discuss. Some thoughts were even exchanged without words at all. I had the best time although I don't remember what happened in the movie. Do you?_

"Oh my god." Raven laughed again. "You guys need to watch the movie again." She says into the camera after having read over Clarke's shoulder.

"Excuse you." The blonde huffs out. "This isn't for you to know. Take your traitor's eyes off my letter."

"Why am I a traitor?"

"Because, you Raven Reyes, are suppose to be there for me and not working for Lexa."

"Well, look around darling. I am here for you."

"You know what I mean." Clarke pouts.

"Ok, stop being childish and read on."

 _That evening showed me how great we fit. You balance my imperfectness and I feel great with you on my arm. :-)_

"Lexa…" Clarke says looking up and into the camera. "You are perfectly imperfect and I love everything about you."

"Nicely put Griffin." Raven mumbles.

"Shush."

 _We are almost done, which is good, because I'm waiting for you._

 _A few months after we became one, we made another big decision which changed my life once more. Go to where the change is still proudly displayed._

"Uuuuhm…"

"What is it? Stumped?"

"Go to where the change is still proudly displayed?"

"Which change is she talking about?"

Clarke stops in her movements and stars into nothing, thinking. 'Another big change in Lexa's life', she muses and it clicks.

"Oh yes, I know. I bet she means her truck. We still have 'The Ark' advertised on it."

"Where is her truck?"

"I didn't see it at the restaurant. Did you?"

Raven shakes her head, watching the blonde intensely through her camera.

"There's a bigger parking lot close to the house." Clarke thinks out loud.

"Where you live now?"

"Yeah. Maybe it's there? Can I call her?"

"She didn't offer a phone-a-friend-lifeline."

"Damnit."

"Take a risk?"

"I don't know where else she would park it."

* * *

They spot Lexa's truck immediately. The big container sporting the beautifully designed logo as well as a letter attached to the door handle of the container.

 _Clarke,_

 _You made all my dreams come true. I have a beautiful girlfriend, a warm and safe home and a flourishing business thanks to you. I've never felt more settled and comfortable in my own skin. I never felt I've achieved more in my whole life. You are the love of my life._

Clarke swallows hard, tears pooling in her eyes.

"Raven?"

"Yes Clarke?"

"Is this what I think it is?"

"What do you think it is?"

Clarke looks at her best friend who smiles softly at her. "Why don't you read on?" Raven whispers after a while. She is welling up herself.

Clarke releases a trembling sigh and looks down on the letter in her shaking hands. There is just one line left and it makes her heart beating so quickly she fears it may burst due to overexertion.

 _Come home now._

"Ray… is this what I think it is?" Clarke repeats her words, her voice barely above a whisper. Instead of an answer Raven pushes her towards their house at the other side of the parking lot. The Christmas lights are softly pulling her in like a magnet and she arrives at her front door without realising she has moved, a letter is pinned to it.

 _Clarke,_

 _You have just revisited all the major spots of our history. From the very beginning with a song, to our first shared home. I'm planning on making a lot more memories, starting now._

Clarke opens their door and enters the hall, which is illuminated by a million candles, rose petals on the floor pointing towards the kitchen. She follows them on autopilot. She could not name or sort or make sense of her thoughts. Her voice has left her and her heart is still beating crazily. When she enters the kitchen, the backdoor to their garden is open and she slips through into the softly glimmering night.

She spots her instantly; eyes finding the other, capturing them in a steady lock. Lexa stands in the middle of the lawn, she's wearing a short dress, her hair is openly flowing over her shoulder and she looks like a goddess. Clarke shakes her head in disbelief and grins when she walks towards her.

"My love." Lexa starts, taking one of the blonde's hands into her own, when she was close enough. "I've craved you from the moment I heard your voice. I needed you forever with me the moment I laid my eyes on you. I wanted you for the rest of my life the moment I kissed you. I love you more than anything in this world and I want to make you happy and care for you until my last breath." Lexa drops down on one knee and takes a box from the lawn, opens it and holds it up. "Clarke, will you marry me?" They have not once lost eye contact and both have tears softly sliding down their cheeks.

Clarke swallows a sob and starts nodding with a big smile on her face.

"Is that a 'yes'?" Lexa asks tentatively.

"Yes. A million times yes!" Clarke pulls her up and crashes their lips together. Only then does she hear the cheers and clapping from people and when she breaks the kiss to look around she sees all their friends and her mother in her backyard.

"How long have you been planning this?" She turns back to Lexa who cradles her in her arms.

"A while. You liked it?"

"It was perfect. Just like you."

They kiss again. And again. And again until a throat is cleared close by. Raven looks at the couple with a wide smile.

"So Clarke, after you've driven around with the champagne, would you do us the honours and open it for the toast?"

The blonde blushes. "Oh wow. I didn't realise."

"You weren't suppose to."

They open the bottles and share the beverage and Clarke sees Kelly and her kids standing next to her father's friend Kane. She spots her staff and local people from the town. Everyone is smiling at her and she feels utterly content in the arms of her fiancé, in their home surrounded by people that love, support and respect her and Lexa.

"Thanks to everybody who made it possible for me to ask Clarke this way. You guys are awesome and the best friends we could ask for." Lexa kisses Clarke softly. "Thanks baby for wanting to marry me. I love you."

"I love you." Clarke breathes back.

"Hear, hear. Cheers to the most beautiful couple." Raven calls out and everyone joins in her celebratory joy.

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"Happy new year my life."

"Happy new year my future."

* * *

This is my last post for 2016. I'll be back in spring with brand new Clexa adventures. In the meantime, I might post the odd one shot I've written or if you've got prompts you think I'm the right writer for - hit me with'em.

I wish you all a prosperous, healthy, dream coming true 2017. Please stay safe wherever you are. Jaansche


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